Restraints: A short story.

From the moment I saw her, I felt like nothing else in the world had a meaning. Her eyes were a deep, crystal blue, with skin as soft as fresh snow. I felt like it was impossible for anyone not to fall in love with this woman once they had looked into her eyes, they were so big, full of secrets, bad secrets, the kind you’re best not knowing. Yet something drew me to her, they made me want to know more about the kind of person she was, the kind of life she was living. I saw her every day, and I looked forward to it, every day. I had worked at the asylum for years, and not once had I built up the courage to even say hello to this woman. Hell, I didn’t even know her name. So how was it possible that I felt all these feelings for this woman? How did I want her so much? I didn’t know anything about her, and it scared me. I studied her face for longer, her hair was thick, a golden brown colour, like the sun, beautiful. Her tiny waist, I longed to hold her in my arms, hold her fragile hands, and feel her touch against my body. I wanted to hear her voice whisper sweet words into my ears, I just wanted her to notice my existence. If I felt this strongly about a woman I didn’t know, I was sure she was the one for me.

I looked at him from a far, he always seemed so happy, so composed. I asked myself questions about him constantly, wondering if he looked at me how I look at him. I caught him looking once, but I didn’t know if I was dreaming. I admired his facial features, he had the perfect cheek bones, his face was ever so defined. His lips looked soft, I had imagined kissing them, feeling them against my shoulder as we lay down, staring at the ceiling. But why did I feel this way? Maybe it’s because I’m crazy, I didn’t know, all I knew was that I was drawn to this man. He was like an angel, his eyes were perfect, and I felt like I could look into them for hours without getting bored. They held so many stories and I wanted to hear them, I needed to hear them. I couldn’t approach him though, he knows I’m crazy, he would just think it was my illness which made me want to talk to him.

It was a late Autumn morning and I arrived at work earlier than usual to set up breakfast for the patients, I sat at the table with my cup of tea and watched the caretaker sweep up the crisp leaves which had recently fallen from the trees, winter was swiftly approaching. I loved to sit by the window and think about everything. I thought about her, that beautiful woman, who I saw and admired every day. I had to know her name. I went to the reception desk, luckily there was nobody there and I checked each patients files, I must have done this in an impressive amount of time because it felt like I had been there for hours but only 10 minutes had passed, and I had found the file. Her name was Evelyn, Evelyn Carter. Even her name was beautiful. I couldn’t wait to see her again.

It was beginning to get breezy in my room and I was shivering in my overalls, waiting for the workers to hand me the jumper we get each winter. I missed being at home for winter though, I could barely remember curling up on the sofa by the fireplace drinking hot chocolate and listening to Christmas songs, surrounded by people I loved. And now look where I was, locked up, going out of my mind. I felt like I was ready to go home but I knew that was a phase. I wonder if I would see him today, I wonder if he will look at me today, all I could think about was him. My brain was overloaded with thoughts of him. His face, his voice and his body. I wanted to see him and I wanted to bring myself to talk to him.

It reached 12pm and I was preparing dinner for the female patients, this was the moment I would see Evelyn, I was getting ready to introduce myself, deciding what I would say to her, I felt like I was going mad! How do I act around a woman? It had been so long since I had experienced this. Do I say ‘Hello Evelyn’ or ‘Good Afternoon Evelyn’ do I even use her name? Would she wonder how I knew it? I was getting nervous and I didn’t know why, I am usually a confident man but I suppose in situations involving women I was the shy type of guy, the patients began entering the room and my eyes suddenly became focused. I was like a hawk spying on its prey. I looked out for her and noticed her instantly, her eyes stood out. Wow, she was even more stunning than I remembered, I felt mind blown. I panicked, I didn’t know what to say. She was approaching, she was smiling. Was she going to say something? My heart began to beat faster and faster, I’m sure the other kitchen staff could hear it however I could have been paranoid. After all, I think I was about to speak to the woman of my dreams for the very first time in my life. I was ready.

I looked at him straight away, I felt excited but nervous too. What if he didn’t like me? What if he treated me like a child just because I was a psycho. Who was I kidding? Why did I even begin to think it was a good idea to talk to him? He worked in an asylum, he knew the kind of people we were, no way in hell would he even look at me, I had definitely been imagining this, making stories up in my head as usual. However, deep down, part of me, a very strange part of me at that urged me to say hello, I asked myself whether I should about ten times until I released it was my turn to get my food, I looked at his eyes and the butterflies in my stomach felt like they had all suddenly transformed from caterpillars at the exact same time. I laughed, smiled and said ‘hello.’

My heart melted, was this real? Did this perfect woman just greet me? Was I mad for being attracted to a patient in the asylum or was this normal? I didn’t even care, it isn’t as if I could help it, she was beautiful. I greeted her back ‘Good afternoon Evelyn.’ She smiled at me and my heart melted a little, I smiled back, I couldn’t stop. Her eyes made it look as though she was looking straight into your soul, as if she knew things about you that you didn’t know yourself. I was so intrigued by her. Her face looked sad but happy at the same time, I couldn’t read her expressions, she seemed emotionless. I just wanted to get to know her. But this was different, I couldn’t just ask her out for a drink or to the cinema, of course I couldn’t, she was psychotic but I think I had fallen in love, she had a soothing voice and I noticed that from a simple hello. I needed to get her out of this place. I needed her to be mine. I was so determined, a rush of adrenaline made its way through my body, and again, and again and again. I needed this woman, I would do anything for her to be mine, as crazy as it sounded, I would kill for this woman, I was going to help her escape.

He had a strange look in his eye once I had greeted him, as if he was trying to say something to me using eye contact but I wasn’t that smart, I just smiled back, I wanted to be his, I went back to my room and sat, imagining what it would be like to curl up to him in the winter, sing Christmas carols with him, decorate a house with all the decorations and pretty lights. I was over thinking the situation, we had only said hello to each other yet, there was a connection, a spark, it felt right looking into his eyes and I could picture myself telling him I loved him, but I didn’t want to get carried away, it was unhealthy for my illness. I heard a knock at my door, and I saw a note slide through the crack at the side of the door. It read ‘I will get you out of here if it’s the last thing I do’ was I asleep? Dreaming? I peered through the crack and it was him, the man who had taken over my every thought. I read the letter over and over again. Was this real? I wouldn’t know. I decided I should help him, if he was serious about getting me out of here, helping him was my only option. I was desperate to leave, this man was my knight in shining armour. I was about to escape the place I had dreamt of running away from for over 6 years. I could not believe my luck.

I crept into the medication ward in the early hours of Saturday, everyone else was asleep but not I, my heart and determination were taking over my brain and all I could think about was running away with this woman and living happily with her. I quick scammed each bottle on the top shelf until I came across one labelled ‘Geodon’ I read the description ‘Can keep you asleep for over 5 hours’ I thought to myself ‘this will do’ grabbed the bottle and made my way to the kitchen, my plan was to spike the water machine with this medicine causing every member of staff to collapse so I could take Evelyn away and be with her, where nobody could stop us. I posted her another note, telling her not to drink out of the water machine in the kitchen and that everything was going to be okay. I waited up all night, I must have drunk over 10 cups of coffee to stay awake but I had made it and I saw the sun rise at daybreak.

What was going on? Was this man crazy? Anyone would think he was the one schizophrenic, not I. I heard strange noises outside my room, it felt late, normally I would be having breakfast now but nobody had come to get me, time went by and it began to feel as if I had been locked in my room for hours, I waited and waited for someone to let me out but still nothing, yet the strange noises were still coming from outside, they sounded like screams, as if people were in pain, I began to feel anxious, panicky, I began to hallucinate and I could feel myself about to start screaming at the top of my voice, it was times like these when I felt crazy, I could see nothing and all I could hear were the screams of others around me. I wanted the man to rescue me, he said he would. Where was he?

People were collapsing around me, I was scared. Did this make me a monster? Were they alive? The medicine said it would only make people fall asleep, I was terrified. I couldn’t believe I was doing this for a woman I didn’t even know, but I craved her. I double checked the bottle, I hadn’t checked the back where the small print was. My hands were shaking as I read about what happens when mixed with water, my stomach jolted when I read that it can burn away at your insides. What had I done? I broke down but quickly remembered what I was doing this for, I was doing it for love, an intense feeling of deep affection that I longed for. I had been alone for such a long duration of my life, I deserved someone to love and it was her. I ignored all the staff and raced to Evelyn’s room, I could hear her screaming from down the corridor, I kicked and punched the door so much but nothing was happening, I needed to get in, one of the guards behind me affected by the water had a huge collection of keys attached to her belt, I ripped it off and tried every single one. Halfway through, the door opened and she leaped at me and tried to hit me, I must have frightened her. I held her and I got a sudden rush of excitement. This felt so right.

I had a break down. But I recovered as soon as he held me in his arms because it felt so right, I felt like a normal girl and it was nice. We ran straight to the door, on the way out I grabbed what I thought was another patients bags off the floor which contained a liquid substance of some sort. My head was messed up. I told the man to drink it and it would calm him down without checking the label first. I shouldn’t be out of that asylum, I was ill and I was supposed to be in there no matter how much I hated it, I wasn’t safe out here. I was scared. I watched him drink it, intrigued by the way his lips wrapped around the bottle top. He fell onto me, his eyes rolling back and forwards, his skin went 3 shades paler and I panicked. What had I given him? I hadn’t even checked. I read the bottle and dropped it in shock. This wasn’t medicine, this was poison to get rid of rodents in the asylum kitchen.

My skin began to bubble, it felt as though something was eating away at my flesh. I felt drowsy and as if I was heading into my own little world, the last thing I saw were her eyes, her deep, crystal eyes, staring into mine with a look of concern, I could finally see her emotions. I was lead to believe she felt the same about me, the way she looked at me wasn’t just a look of someone who was an acquaintance, there was something there, something special. I was panicking, I felt like I had just rescued a princess from her tower and now I felt like I was about to die. I heard her voice in my ear ‘I’m going to find the antidote, I’m going to find the antidote’ she said it about 5 times before I found myself drifting off, not knowing whether I would wake up again or not.

It was a late Autumn morning and I woke up in a freezing cold room with padded walls and no windows. I looked to my side and the nurse was there, cleaning the end of the syringe and the needle. ‘Everything will be okay Daniel, it’s all over now’ what was she talking about? I had just rescued the girl of my dreams. ‘Where is she? Where is Evelyn?’ I panicked. ‘It’s been 10 years since you killed her Daniel, she isn’t here anymore’ I didn’t understand. I didn’t know what to do, I was lost, in my own mind and nothing or nobody could help me, not even my medicine. I didn’t even know who I was anymore. I stared into the nurses eyes, I felt like I was about to cry. ‘You’ve been hallucinating again Daniel’ the nurse explained. ‘They’re very common when you’re suffering schizophrenia, don’t worry, you can get yourself back to sleep now, your medicine will keep you safe.’ I looked at my door, wishing it was a window so I could watch the Autumn change to Winter but I was stuck in this life and I was never escaping it.

Depression Article

“Depression is more than simply feeling unhappy up for a few days”

Most people will go through phases in their life when they aren’t feeling the best about things. For example, money, relationships, education and more, maybe they wish they were living someone else’s life. The majority of people will label this as ‘being depressed’ when really, that is the wrong definition.

Depression is a serious illness with real symptoms. It isn’t when you feel down for a couple of days and then everything is fine again, if you are suffering from depression you can feel persistently sad for weeks or even months. It’s a long term illness and it comes and goes over a long period of time. Depression is not a sign of weakness, neither is it something you can ‘snap out of’ by ‘pulling yourself together’ it is hard for people to understand people suffering from depression because they are very good at hiding the fact they are depressed. However, you don’t have to suffer it alone or feel like you have to deal with it. With the correct treatment and support, most people are able to make a full recovery.

How to tell if you’re depressed:

Depression affects people in different ways and can cause a wide variety of symptoms. They range from long lasting feelings of sadness and hopelessness to losing interest in things you once enjoyed and feeling tearful. Most people who suffer from depression also have symptoms of anxiety which is also another illness, giving you feelings of unease such as worry or fear that can be mild or severe. Not only are there mental symptoms, there are physical symptoms for example, feeling constantly tired, lack of sleep, having no appetite or sex drive and complaining of various aches and pains not knowing why they are there.

The mildest symptoms include feeling persistently low in spirit while at its most severe, it can make you feel suicidal and that life is no longer worth living. The majority of people will not act on this instinct. When you begin to feel suicidal, you know this is when you need to seek help from a professional.

A lot of people wait too long to go and speak to a doctor however the NHS advise you not to delay seeing someone as the sooner you do, the closer you are to recovery! There is usually a main trigger for depression, normally a life changing event such as bereavement, losing your job, death or even having a baby. Also, people with family history of depression are also more likely to experience it themselves. Depression is a more common illness than you would expect, it affects on average one in ten of us at some point during our lives. It can affect anyone, men and women, young and old. It can also strike children. The NHS claim studies have shown that about 4% of children aged 5-16 in the UK alone are affected by depression which personally, I find upsetting.

Treatment for depression normally involves medication or talking treatments. In most cases, it is a combination of the two. You will be recommended the treatment based on the type of depression you have.

People with depression try and deal with it by changing their lifestyle, they will benefit from getting more exercise, reducing alcohol intake and eating healthily, focusing on things like this will take their mind off how they feel. It is said that joining a support group or reading a self-help book is worthwhile. Depression is something you can get yourself out of if you really make the effort.

Bruno Mars Concert Review.

Completing his magnificent tour in Manchester, Bruno Mars proves to the city that he is the new king of pop with his highly cheesy yet catchy songs!

The atmosphere of this concert wasn’t what you would expect a common pop concert to be like, with the screaming girls and the banners in the air. The concert edged more on the rock genre, with Bruno slamming on his guitar live, middle aged people sweating whilst jumping in the standing area. The crowd wasn’t full of kids, there was a variety of people which made it interesting. The whole arena was full of energy!

As his fans sing along with one of his calmest songs ‘Talking to the moon’ there is a sudden change in atmosphere as he begins to sing ‘Runaway Baby’ the crowd continue to belt it out, going wild as they do so! The volume in the building was crazy, it was clear to anyone that it was full of Bruno’s hooligans!

Bruno got the crowd going from the second he came on stage, explaining to us all that it was his last night on tour so we should all put our cameras away and have some ‘f***ing fun’ which made the whole crowd laugh, it was brilliant how he brought out his personality in front of such a huge crowd!

His well known songs for example billionaire, just the way you are and the lazy song really got the crowd going and everyone looked so happy, this concert made me realise how much music can affect your mood! You would expect to hear all the screaming girls however surprisingly, Bruno Mars also seems to have many male fans!

The whole evening was full of energy and fun, Bruno Mars satisfied his audience throughout the whole concert which I’ve never experienced before! I never wanted this gig to end!
His hit single ‘Just the Way You Are’ closed the wonderful night, it got everybody singing along and as embarrassing as it is to admit, it got me in tears! It showed everyone how talented he is and you could tell he put so much feeling into the whole night!

He received the chants of ‘ENCORE ENCORE’ by us all, where he performed a mash up of ‘Lighters’ and ‘Talking To The Moon’ the entire audience were pleased with this and the evening ended with everyone singing and dancing along!

A perfect evening, I will never forget it, came to school without a voice the next day. Looking forward to his next tour as his new album ‘Unorthodox Jukebox’ will be released on the 10th December 2012!

The City At Night.

I stepped out of my door into the chilly street. It was more busy than usual. Christmas Eve in the city was obscene. It was as if every person living here had a thought at the exact same time that they should complete their Christmas shopping the night before. All I wanted to do tonight was stroll down the streets and admire the Christmas lights but I couldn’t even walk a few steps without someone running into me and hitting me with their bags. I decided to take a different direction and see where it lead me, it appeared to be getting quieter and darker as I continued to walk. Any normal person would be terrified right now, but not me, I was enjoying the tranquil atmosphere, there were still a few Christmas lights on this narrow street so I wasn’t missing out too much. I just wanted to escape the usual hectic city night life. My eyes began to settle to the darkness and I could see further into the distance. I thought I heard music but I couldn’t decide if it was my ears playing tricks on me. I still wasn’t frightened despite there being nobody around. I reached the end of the street and there was a band stand fully lit up with bright, golden fairy lights, it was so Christmassy, I made my way over to a little bench inside it and sat down. I took a deep breath and sighed, I felt miles away from the city, it was strange to imagine that just a few metres away there were so many people running up and down the streets and in and out of shops. It felt really nice. I wanted to make a memory out of this so I danced around and laughed. My mind left me and I had no care in the world. I felt so happy, this was my new happy place. I sat there for hours, most of the night. I arrived back into the centre and it felt like nobody had been there earlier, I checked the time and realised I had only been at the band stand for an hour, it felt like hours though! I smiled and entered my flat, resting until the next morning where I could show my friends the new place I had found in the city. I wanted to share it with everyone.

The House.

Inspired by positive music:

I remember, he was there, at the top of that fragile staircase, looking down to me, as I stood on the doorstep, smiling nervously. He took a couple of gentle steps down the staircase, I studied his facial expressions, his eyes were so mysterious, I could sense there was deep thoughts stuck in his mind but I didn’t care, he still gave me butterflies. He lead me onto the veranda outside and we stared at the starry sky, it felt like something from a movie. He made me feel like a princess as we slowly danced on the veranda, I had fallen in love.

Inspired by negative music:

I felt it as soon as I entered through the heavy door, it squeaked a lot and it wasn’t how I remembered! Daring as if sounds, I forced myself to walk across the landing. I felt a sudden shock of cold air and I felt a shiver creep its way down my spine. There was a liquid substance dripping from the ceiling in front of me and the smell coming off that was enough to make anybody vomit. I walked into an open room and to my shock and horror, the door slammed behind me, the lights flickered, I heard a high pitched scream and the next thing I knew, I was awake, sweating in bed, my sister beside me, rocking my shoulders to wake me up.

About Me

I am a 17 year old girl currently studying journalism at college because I aspire to become successful  in it as a career. At the moment, I don’t know what area of journalism I want to focus on. I enjoy writing the most therefore I don’t think I would want to go into broadcasting. I prefer the idea of writing articles and columns for magazine or newspaper. I also really enjoy fictional writing so I would love to maybe publish a short story or a poem in the future.

I believe I have a variety of journalism related skills for example idea development, organisation and planning. I have shown these skills off in a pitch a friend and I created for a radio show at college, we produced a folder with many A4 sheets of paper inside with spider diagrams on with ideas for a show that would appeal to a range of listeners. I am also a creative thinker being able to look at any given problem from a range of angles and can also develop ideas from inception to completion. I have the ability to research for project using primary and secondary sources. I have taken part in many teamwork building trips during my school education therefore I think I work well in a team if I am with people who I am not distracted by, because I can lose concentration quite quickly. I have strong verbal communication skills and I use these whilst broadcasting on air on the college radio and I use written skills effectively when writing essays or articles for college.

I live in a small village called Burley in Wharfedale with my parents, brother, sister, dog and hamster. I love singing, my friends, taking photos, good food and all that is special to me!