Heartache

Eyes are stinging from all the tears,

I hadn’t felt like this in years.

Pressure is building in my chest,

I was feeling slightly depressed.

 

I began to feel my heart sink,

Why did I always overthink?

I tried so hard to cry for help,

Not even releasing a yelp.

 

There was nothing that I could do,

I would eventually pull through.

But when you’re crying and crying

And you feel like you are dying,

Remember the pain doesn’t last,

This aching will be in the past.

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Sadness

Look into their eyes,
Admire the sorrow,
A cloudy grey,
Like the darkest of skies,

Read the sadness of their soul,
place your hand in theirs,
does it feel cold?
Your mind begins to lose control,

You feel their pain,
like it’s your own,
you fake a smile,
it becomes a bane,

As they speak,
they begin to stutter and sigh,
your heart sinks,
when did they become so weak?

Lucky Escape

All the lies behind your eyes,
The things you used to say,
The number of ‘sighs’ and ‘whys’
We would argue every day,

How could I be so blind,
When you were that bitter,
You were rarely ever kind,
No wonder I became a quitter,

Until I found you,
A match made in heaven,
Staying wide awake past 2,
An early night would be 11,

I’m so lucky to have found,
Someone who makes me smile,
I’m no longer feeling drowned,
This is the happiest I’ve felt for a while. 

Laundrette Girl

She came in every Saturday morning. Looking remarkable each time, without fail. Her blonde, wavy hair gently fell just below her shoulders, so perfect. I could never take my eyes off her. The ringlets in her hair were incredible, the only time I had seen hair like that were on the women in 70’s Hollywood movies. Her eyes stood out for miles. A deep, blue colour, similar to the shade of the ocean and the sky, blended together. I had never been lucky enough to get lost in them but I longed to because every single time she walked into the laundrette, everything else in the room went out of focus and all I could think about was her. She always looked so defined, as if she made the effort to look remarkable all the time, she fascinated me, in so many ways. Her lips, always such a rosy red, plump and soft. I paid attention to the tiniest of details, I just didn’t know her name yet. I worked in the launderette every weekend and she would come in every Saturday and she was the only thing that kept me sane for the whole day. I would hear the little bell ring each week at 10:30am as she strutted through the glass door in her kitten heels and tiny floral dress, fitting her petite figure perfectly. I would rush to hold the door open for her every time so she didn’t have to struggle with her basket through the door and as embarrassing as it is to admit this, I wanted her to think I was a gentleman. She seemed so classy, too classy for me that’s for sure. After all, I was only a boy from London working in a launderette for a living. I doubt she had ever even looked at me twice but I really wish that she would.

It was a sunny afternoon with a slight breeze and I was sat at the desk finishing my breakfast, watching the time and preparing myself to hold the door open for her. It was 10:28am so I headed over to the door and stood by it, glancing out of the glass door, I spotted her come around the corner of the street. That beautiful hair glistening in the sunlight and those icy blue eyes looking straight towards where I was currently standing. I suddenly felt a flutter of a thousand butterflies swarm around my stomach. It was a pleasant feeling but still made me feel nervous at the least. She was like my drug each week. I waited and waited until I saw her, getting more and more worked up each second of the day but as soon as she was next to me, everything suddenly changed and it felt like we were the only two people in the universe let alone in the city. She was approaching the door fairly quickly now and I could feel a big smile begin to form on my face. She winked at me as she stepped through the door. I’m glad the sound of the bell ringing covered up the sound of my heart beating. I pretended like that wink meant nothing however, it was as if the thoughts in my mind were jumping up and down on a trampoline and all crashing into each other. It was just a wink for Gods sake, I had a tendency to over think and over analyse absolutely everything and it needed to stop. I slapped my wrist. She turned around. I panicked. What if she thought I was a psycho?
“Is this washing machine out of order?” She asked. I stuttered, a lot. But eventually the words crawled out of my mouth one by one…
“Yes, sorry about that, I’ll help you get your garments into the next machine.”  I sighed with relief inside and tried not to show this on the outside to prevent myself from getting embarrassed. She smiled beautifully and thanked me. Her teeth were so straight and so white, she had a perfect smile and that made her even more angelic. I began to help her with her basket of clothes and she thanked me again, she was so polite.

I decided that if I was ever going to talk to her, now would be the best time. I took a seat on the bench next to her, not even taking it into account that she may have found it slightly strange but I couldn’t help it. In the heat of the moment, I felt it was the right thing to do, taking an opportunity you felt was necessary. And it was necessary; the outcome of me finding the confidence to go and sit by this woman was overwhelming for me. I had lost control and found myself staring right at her, she looked to her side and I just managed disguise the fact that seconds ago, I was admiring her. To my surprise, she struck up a conversation, it was blatant small talk for a good 10 minutes but it was better than nothing. Usually when she was waiting for her laundry, she would make her way over to a small vintage tearoom a couple of blocks down, I knew this because she always left the paper coffee cup with their logo on in the launderettes bin. However, today she sat down beside me on the bench and we talked for hours on end about every little thing. She was a beautiful woman with a beautiful outlook on life and I could already feel myself getting attached to her. She had so much to say, I was almost speechless. Throughout our conversation I heard the washing machine beep a number of times but this didn’t stop her from talking to me. She continued and I certainly wasn’t complaining. Hours passed and the sky was getting darker.
“I better get going” she giggled. I told her it was lovely talking to her.
“You too sweetie” she said as she smiled that beautiful smile of hers. I went to hold the door open and all of a sudden, she kissed me on the lips, so gently but I was lost for words, I couldn’t explain my feelings. I honestly thought my heart was about to make its way out of my mouth.
“I’ll see you soon” she whispered, followed by her signature wink.

All I could do at this moment in time was nod and smile, I felt so shy and I could feel my cheeks gradually turning bright pink. I thought I was dreaming. Since that moment, I haven’t been able to function or concentrate on anything, I couldn’t comprehend what had happened, it was completely out of the blue and I was asking myself so many questions; did she like me? Would I see her again? Should I ask her out? It was driving me crazy! But I knew patience was what I needed most in this situation. I was looking forward to seeing her again, wondering if I should ask her to dinner, I was nervous, I looked at my watch, it was 10:27am, 3 minutes to go until she walks through this door, I checked my watch again, 10:28am. How can only a minute have passed since I last checked? Time was going so slowly as I waited for her by the door. A whole hour had passed now and this was unusual for her. I sighed, giving up and went to sit down. The weather outside was sunny but this definitely didn’t anticipate my mood, I felt glum. And this made everything else seem glum too. Maybe she’s hanging her clothes out on the line, I thought. I didn’t even know why I felt so down, I just really wanted to see her.

The next morning on my way to the launderette  I slowed down as I approached the little vintage tearoom in the hope that she would be sat inside. And there she was. But she wasn’t alone. I watched her as she leaned in to a handsome looking man and kissed him gently on the lips, just as she had done with me only a week ago. I realised she had given me false hope and I swear in that moment, my heart shattered into millions of tiny pieces.

And I still didn’t know her name.

 

The End

I looked into his eyes for what I thought would be the last time. His deep, brown eyes were always so mysterious before I got to know him so well. We shared so many memories, memories I can’t ever bring myself to forget, memories I wish I could forget and memories I have managed to forget. We were only young but I have realised that someone can still mean so much to you that it hurts, no matter what age you are. I never expected to fall for someone so quickly and I never expected it to last so long. He made me feel euphoric most days yet other days, exasperated. We experienced so much together, trips to the cinema, walks in the summer and cuddles on the sofa. But thinking about the arguments we shared makes me feel almost disordered. I must have spent 2 nights out of 7 a week crying myself to sleep, arguing with him was the thing I hated more than anything. However when we were together, smiling in each others arms, I happened to lose every care in the world. I could never imagine him making me feel unhappy even though it was obvious that he did.

It was a sunny and breezy Saturday afternoon in the middle of August and we decided to take a walk down to the river in the small village where we live. He held my hand and that always made me smile. He opened his bag and he had packed a picnic rug and a flask of orange juice, I smiled at him and gently kissed his cheek. He was so caring and he made me feel so special. We lay down and talked for hours whilst listening to our favourite song on repeat until the sun began to sink and it started to get colder, he took his jumper off and helped me into it to keep me warm. He put his arm around my waist and we headed back home. We took the long route home so we could spend a few extra minutes together and as we reached my house he gave me a hug and a kiss and I went back inside, the smile couldn’t be wiped off my face.

Back at school, he seemed different, very distant and as if he didn’t care about anything I had to say. It made me feel wistful. Rather than confronting him about how I felt, I held back even though I knew the outcome of this wouldn’t be great. I sat in class but all I could think about was what I had done wrong to make him be like this with me. And once I begin thinking about something, I cannot stop myself. It’s as if you think of one thing and so many other thoughts branch off that initial thought and take over your mind, practically killing you inside. I think my friends could tell I was down and they tried to cheer me up. But I loved him, so if one thing was even remotely upsetting me about our relationship, I was upset about every other thing in my life. I looked over and he was laughing with another girl, it made me wonder if things would be better if I let him go, whether he’d be happier experiencing things with other girls. I didn’t want to make him feel tied down but I didn’t want him to think he could get away with anything he wanted to either. Relationships are so much harder than you’d expect, especially when you’re a teenager.

As soon as I got home I knew he would text me asking what was wrong but I just didn’t want to speak to him. I switched my phone off and went to sleep. I think my family started wondering what was the matter with me because as time went on, I became more and more discontented and I just knew I wasn’t as happy as I was in the Summer. I was sick and tired. I tried to blame it on my school work and the stress of exams but deep down I knew it was my relationship and the way he would change his personality so often. I was constantly receiving mixed signals from him and I didn’t think I could take it anymore despite the fact I was always so afraid of losing him and seeing him with someone else. The idea of someone else making him as happy as I had for so long made me feel more than feeble. I spoke to a few of my friends and each of them had different opinions on what was best for me but the more I thought about it, the more I wondered whether I could be truly happy without him.

A whole day passed and he hadn’t even tried talking to me. I was beginning to get paranoid and was making up crazy scenarios in my head about what he was doing. Maybe I wasn’t ready to let him go, or maybe this was the sign that it was the right thing to do. I didn’t know, I just wanted to speak to him.

I spent a night thinking about all of our happy memories but I realised the arguments overruled the good times. He eventually contacted me and we arranged to meet up to spend some time together. The moment I saw him all the negative feelings disappeared and I just wanted to hold him. I looked into his eyes and smiled, it felt as if I wasn’t even upset about anything. But I was, and I couldn’t keep letting these feelings build up because eventually I’d break down and say something I would regret. We sat on the bed, watching TV and there was complete silence. We sat there, neither of us saying a word. I couldn’t do this anymore, I was constantly fed up. I wish it was easy to go back in time, when there were no worries or complications but that was easier said than done.

I turned and looked at him, the look on his face made me nervous and I told him we needed to talk. He looked worried, and I was too. I was worrying about every little aspect of this situation. Whether he would be upset, whether he wouldn’t care or what if he had found someone else. I was overthinking again and I knew that was a bad idea. I explained how he made me feel when we argued and he didn’t even seem to feel bad about it, it was as if he didn’t care which made me angrier. I still loved him. I still wanted to be with him, we had just shared the perfect summer together and to feel it coming to an end was heart-breaking but how was I supposed to know whether I would be happier without him if I hadn’t been for such a long time? Maybe I was just used to being with him, and had been settled down for so long I had forgotten what it was like to be alone.

After a tearful hour-long conversation we agreed it was best we waved goodbye to our relationship. I didn’t even know how to feel, I was devastated, heart-broken. But also relieved, everything that had happened whilst I was with him was a lesson and I had learnt everything I needed to know about relationships. He had hurt me more than anything ever had before in so many ways which pains me to even think about. I cried for a few hours straight and wondered how he was handling it but knowing that I had now gone from having everything to nothing was a slight shock to the system.

Time went by, I thought about him every day and I still do even though so much time has passed. I know he is happier now and I am too, I get lonely most nights and I feel pitiful a lot. I sometimes miss him but remembering everything he did and said to hurt me helps me understand I miss the bond we shared. It was an extremely hard thing to get over but knowing that he was happier without me was a good thing. Friends are the most amazing people you can have in situations where you lose the love of your life. They took my mind off everything and made me smile every day. I thought I was in love with him but after having so much time to think, I question myself whether it was true love or whether I was worried about having nobody.

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us. – Alexander Graham Bell.