I looked into his eyes for what I thought would be the last time. His deep, brown eyes were always so mysterious before I got to know him so well. We shared so many memories, memories I can’t ever bring myself to forget, memories I wish I could forget and memories I have managed to forget. We were only young but I have realised that someone can still mean so much to you that it hurts, no matter what age you are. I never expected to fall for someone so quickly and I never expected it to last so long. He made me feel euphoric most days yet other days, exasperated. We experienced so much together, trips to the cinema, walks in the summer and cuddles on the sofa. But thinking about the arguments we shared makes me feel almost disordered. I must have spent 2 nights out of 7 a week crying myself to sleep, arguing with him was the thing I hated more than anything. However when we were together, smiling in each others arms, I happened to lose every care in the world. I could never imagine him making me feel unhappy even though it was obvious that he did.
It was a sunny and breezy Saturday afternoon in the middle of August and we decided to take a walk down to the river in the small village where we live. He held my hand and that always made me smile. He opened his bag and he had packed a picnic rug and a flask of orange juice, I smiled at him and gently kissed his cheek. He was so caring and he made me feel so special. We lay down and talked for hours whilst listening to our favourite song on repeat until the sun began to sink and it started to get colder, he took his jumper off and helped me into it to keep me warm. He put his arm around my waist and we headed back home. We took the long route home so we could spend a few extra minutes together and as we reached my house he gave me a hug and a kiss and I went back inside, the smile couldn’t be wiped off my face.
Back at school, he seemed different, very distant and as if he didn’t care about anything I had to say. It made me feel wistful. Rather than confronting him about how I felt, I held back even though I knew the outcome of this wouldn’t be great. I sat in class but all I could think about was what I had done wrong to make him be like this with me. And once I begin thinking about something, I cannot stop myself. It’s as if you think of one thing and so many other thoughts branch off that initial thought and take over your mind, practically killing you inside. I think my friends could tell I was down and they tried to cheer me up. But I loved him, so if one thing was even remotely upsetting me about our relationship, I was upset about every other thing in my life. I looked over and he was laughing with another girl, it made me wonder if things would be better if I let him go, whether he’d be happier experiencing things with other girls. I didn’t want to make him feel tied down but I didn’t want him to think he could get away with anything he wanted to either. Relationships are so much harder than you’d expect, especially when you’re a teenager.
As soon as I got home I knew he would text me asking what was wrong but I just didn’t want to speak to him. I switched my phone off and went to sleep. I think my family started wondering what was the matter with me because as time went on, I became more and more discontented and I just knew I wasn’t as happy as I was in the Summer. I was sick and tired. I tried to blame it on my school work and the stress of exams but deep down I knew it was my relationship and the way he would change his personality so often. I was constantly receiving mixed signals from him and I didn’t think I could take it anymore despite the fact I was always so afraid of losing him and seeing him with someone else. The idea of someone else making him as happy as I had for so long made me feel more than feeble. I spoke to a few of my friends and each of them had different opinions on what was best for me but the more I thought about it, the more I wondered whether I could be truly happy without him.
A whole day passed and he hadn’t even tried talking to me. I was beginning to get paranoid and was making up crazy scenarios in my head about what he was doing. Maybe I wasn’t ready to let him go, or maybe this was the sign that it was the right thing to do. I didn’t know, I just wanted to speak to him.
I spent a night thinking about all of our happy memories but I realised the arguments overruled the good times. He eventually contacted me and we arranged to meet up to spend some time together. The moment I saw him all the negative feelings disappeared and I just wanted to hold him. I looked into his eyes and smiled, it felt as if I wasn’t even upset about anything. But I was, and I couldn’t keep letting these feelings build up because eventually I’d break down and say something I would regret. We sat on the bed, watching TV and there was complete silence. We sat there, neither of us saying a word. I couldn’t do this anymore, I was constantly fed up. I wish it was easy to go back in time, when there were no worries or complications but that was easier said than done.
I turned and looked at him, the look on his face made me nervous and I told him we needed to talk. He looked worried, and I was too. I was worrying about every little aspect of this situation. Whether he would be upset, whether he wouldn’t care or what if he had found someone else. I was overthinking again and I knew that was a bad idea. I explained how he made me feel when we argued and he didn’t even seem to feel bad about it, it was as if he didn’t care which made me angrier. I still loved him. I still wanted to be with him, we had just shared the perfect summer together and to feel it coming to an end was heart-breaking but how was I supposed to know whether I would be happier without him if I hadn’t been for such a long time? Maybe I was just used to being with him, and had been settled down for so long I had forgotten what it was like to be alone.
After a tearful hour-long conversation we agreed it was best we waved goodbye to our relationship. I didn’t even know how to feel, I was devastated, heart-broken. But also relieved, everything that had happened whilst I was with him was a lesson and I had learnt everything I needed to know about relationships. He had hurt me more than anything ever had before in so many ways which pains me to even think about. I cried for a few hours straight and wondered how he was handling it but knowing that I had now gone from having everything to nothing was a slight shock to the system.
Time went by, I thought about him every day and I still do even though so much time has passed. I know he is happier now and I am too, I get lonely most nights and I feel pitiful a lot. I sometimes miss him but remembering everything he did and said to hurt me helps me understand I miss the bond we shared. It was an extremely hard thing to get over but knowing that he was happier without me was a good thing. Friends are the most amazing people you can have in situations where you lose the love of your life. They took my mind off everything and made me smile every day. I thought I was in love with him but after having so much time to think, I question myself whether it was true love or whether I was worried about having nobody.
When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us. – Alexander Graham Bell.