The Love Notes

I was in my last year of high school and I was your typical teenage girl, complained about every little thing in the world, not that anyone cared. I didn’t have a great social life, I enjoyed my own company a little bit too much and it was getting slightly embarrassing. Don’t get me wrong, I had friends, a good group of them but we were all the same when we were on our own, we’d sit in our bedrooms blogging, listening to music or watching TV series… one of the three anyway so we never really got out much and most of my friends were in relationships so yeah, you could say I was happy for them or you could say I wanted to kill them because I was sick of being lonely and bored, there’s only so much ben and jerry’s and chocolate in the world, you know.

It was the first day of school after the summer holidays and everyone in my class had travelled all over the world but not me, I had been to Wales with my parents to stay in my grandparents’ caravan and I can tell you now, I can’t describe that as a holiday more of a trip to what I could imagine Hell being like. I enjoyed listening to everyone else’s holiday anecdotes though, mainly because it was a topic of conversation in class that wouldn’t matter if I was falling asleep or thinking about what I would have for tea that night. The first day back was always relatively relaxed though so I wasn’t really bothered about the fact that I had only slept for 2 hours the night before, everyone else looked just as dead as me, I think as the years go on in your education, you begin to make less and less of an effort to look presentable and I personally, was absolutely fine with this because I only spent about 5 minutes getting ready that morning, I don’t think I even brushed my hair.

I met with my friends at lunch but as per usual, they were comparing sex stories from the summer and I for one, wanted nothing to do with this conversation due to the fact that 1. It made me want to eat my own sick over and over again and 2. It wasn’t interesting to me in the slightest and I would never understand why they were all so bothered about each other. They all assumed I was jealous because I always went all funny when they spoke about their relationships, ok so maybe I was a bit jealous but it was more the fact that I was lonely and it is difficult having no other friends who are single. I feel so horrible saying this but I did feel a dash of happiness within me when they came to me for advice about arguments, the thought of at least one of the couples breaking up excited me, I just wanted at least one of my friends back.

The day was going so slowly and I was already excited to get back in bed and watch TV series all night long, I had tonnes of coursework that I should probably get on with first but every year I treated the first week of school as a warm up, I mean come on, the 7am wake ups are hard enough, let alone going into a building where you can’t walk past one person and sigh at how much you dislike them, maybe that’s a little bit of an exaggeration, but I did hate most people in my school. I headed towards my locker to collect my things to go home, as I got to it I noticed a piece of paper peeping through the crack, my first assumption was that it was just my timetable slipping out but once I had opened my locker and taken the piece of paper out, I realised it was not my timetable but in fact, a small note. ‘Dear Rosie,’ I read.

‘I don’t really know how to approach this but I have been thinking about you all over the summer, I saw your smile and heard your laugh and fell in love with you in a heartbeat, you’re beautiful and I would love to get to know you more – Me’

As I read it, I kind of laughed inside my head like for starters, who can fall in love with someone they have never spoken to? Is that possible? I didn’t know and secondly, they signed it with ‘me’ really? How clichéd yet frustrating because now I wanted to know who it was from but then I thought, what if they did know me, what if it was a close friend, they knew my name… It could be anyone.

When I arrived home I didn’t do anything with the letter, I honestly didn’t think anything of it, it was most likely a practical joke that my friends were playing on me so I thought I’d give them the satisfaction and tell them nothing about it, even if I did tell them, it was inevitable that one of them would pipe up with ‘awwww I remember when my boyfriend did that for me’ and I would have to punch them in the face so… it was best left a secret between me and ‘me’.

The next day at school, I went to my locker to put my books in for the afternoon and again, there was a small piece of paper slipping out of my locker. I sighed and shook my head but read it.

‘Dear Rosie, your eyes are honestly incredible and I love what you’re doing with your hair now, it really suits you. I would really like to take you out some time soon, anywhere you want, it’s your choice, you deserve the very best and I would like to be the one to give you that. –Me’

As I read this one, I could feel my eyes widening and all I was thinking in my head was ‘what on earth…’ because this note was kind of creepy, it made me feel like the person writing them was watching me but I ignored this one too and continued with my day. I spent the lunch break with my friends and they weren’t acting different in any way which confused me because when they had played pranks before, they find it practically impossible to keep a straight face around their victim so this made me question whether it was them or not.

Just before walking home, I went back to my locker to fetch my books and saw the note again and shivered, I got home and put the two together, it was definitely the same person writing them, I thought that I could look at everyone’s work in class to match the handwriting but it could be anyone, it could even be someone in a lower year, I had no idea so I just kept thinking and thinking about it. I received these love notes in my locker once a day for the full year of school, I received this note on our last day with a rose attached to it.

‘Dear Rosie, I will miss you dearly when you leave school, the way you used to flutter your eyelashes, the way your cheeks blushed a rosy pink when you answered a question wrong, the way your hair was always so neat and perfect and the way you used to giggle at things that only you would find funny. I believe you are the perfect girl for me but I’m afraid I will never be good enough for you so all I have left to say is good luck, this is the last of my letters but I can say, I will see you around but you will not see me. -Me’

5 years have passed since my last year of school, I have 4 A levels and a degree in History but I still have absolutely no idea who wrote me these notes every day for a year.

Advertisements

Opposites attract

Part I

As I sat at my old oak kitchen table in silence, I jolted as my kettle began to whistle piercingly. I would never be able to explain why it still made me jump I had owned it for years! Nevertheless, I continued making my hearty morning cup of tea… Every single morning and it was beginning to become rather tedious. I don’t know about you but having a handsome man sat beside me sipping coffee and reading the paper each morning appeals to me more than my current routine.

***

Surprise surprise, I was waking up with a headache from hell once again. Every morning was the same nowadays. Get home at ungodly hours of the night, wake up at midday with no recollection of the previous night and being incapable of walking in a straight line for a couple of hours. Oh yeah, also without a woman beside me… Too regularly. I’m a young man, I should be thinking about settling down with a beautiful woman who makes me happy. However, I’m still stuck in my teenage years getting drunk all night, every night.

***

I owned a little book shop on one of the backstreets in the centre of London. I had worked there since I was 14 but when my boss sadly passed away several years ago, she had written in her will that she wanted me to take the business into my hands. So here I am, 23 years of age with my very own book shop. But because we were hidden away, it was rare that we even got people popping in for a browse. However, we have many loyal customers who visit a few times a week and without them, my bookshop would really struggle.

***

I had worked in bars since I was a teenager, it was my speciality and I couldn’t really imagine doing anything else with my life. You could ask me just about any question about a certain alcoholic beverage and I guarantee, I will give you the correct answer. I loved drinking, everything about it made me happy but deep down, I knew I had a problem, out of all the staff in my bar, I certainly drank the most – no doubt about it.

***

It was a sunny Saturday afternoon and I had a blind date in the evening, I was incredibly nervous yet excited not having dated a bloke in at least 2 years. I needed to get back out there though, that was inevitable. I was tired of being lonely and felt like I deserved someone to love me and take care of me. I walked around a couple of my favourite clothes shops looking for the perfect outfit. I had forgotten what the feeling was like before a date but today it came back to me… The butterflies fluttering in your stomach, the out of sync heart beats and the sheer determination of wanting to look attractive. Feeling like this again was lovely and made me question myself as to why I was so anxious to get back out there.

***

I buttoned up my shirt looking into the mirror as I did so… The bar where I worked was the same every night, nothing remotely exciting ever happened which probably explains why I was always so drunk. I sat down and ate my ready-made microwave meal and I couldn’t help but wish there was someone here to talk to and to put me in a slightly better mood before I headed out to work a long, tiring shift. But I was used to being alone now, it only bothered me sometimes, I could deal with it though, I had mates who completely changed once they had a girl to call their own and I didn’t want to become one of them.

***

I was ready to leave the house, feeling strong and confident despite not having a clue what this guy was like or even what he looked like! We were meeting at a small bar, not too far from my bookshop. I decided I would keep him waiting a few minutes so I didn’t look too keen but it didn’t matter anyway. I arrived and he wasn’t there yet, almost 10 minutes later than the time we had originally arranged. I sighed and plonked myself onto one of the stools beside the bar and ordered myself a cranberry and vodka. I was prepared to wait a little bit longer for him.

***

Attractive women came into the bar all the time but I had never seen anyone like her, she literally took my breath away at first glance. I had never felt like this about anyone who had been in here before, she was beautiful. I hadn’t poured a drink for myself yet tonight but I didn’t feel like I needed to. I just had to look at her and thinking about speaking to her gave me the same rush that I got when I was drinking. I served her a drink whilst deciding how to start a conversation with her. Without a drink, I was shy and nervous around women but I knew she would be different.

***

I sipped on my drink and looked at the man who had served me, he looked a similar age to me, possibly a couple of years older. He kept glancing at me but I can’t describe the kind of look it was. The longer I looked at him, the clearer it was to me how attractive he was. Wow. Dark hair, light eyes and one of the loveliest smiles I had ever seen. Without even realising it, I was playing with my hair and fluttering my eyelashes like a teenage girl. I knew I was waiting for someone but oh my, was he handsome! I had drank a few more vodka cranberries by this point so what harm would it cause to flash him a little smile?

***

She was looking at me… I hope she didn’t think I was being creepy, I started talking to her and by this time, a whole hour had passed since her date was supposed to start yet she had stayed and chatted with me so I must have been doing something right, she asked me about myself and I didn’t have too much to say but I asked about her and found myself asking more and more because I was genuinely interested. She was an amazing person. Definitely compared to me… We were completely different people, opposites in fact. But you know what they say… Opposites attract.

***

He seemed like a real gentlemen from what I could gather. He managed to take my mind off the fact I had blatantly been stood up. I was having a good night mind… I kept finding things to talk to him about. He was fairly reserved whereas I was very outgoing and found it difficult to stop talking sometimes. I had always gone for boys who were similar to me, who shared my interests… but he was the complete opposite, and I was still attracted to him.

Change

As I sat in the sun, embracing the rays as they gently kissed the surface of my skin, I longingly stared at the sky, it was so blue, a beautiful shade of blue with not a cloud in sight. I laid back in an old deck chair of ours whilst my music flooded my ears, right through me making me feel like nothing or nobody was around, I knew they were though and I knew it was probably best if I acknowledged them but I felt so relaxed and lost in the moment that I quite frankly wasn’t bothered if anyone considered me rude or antisocial. I felt happy, genuinely happy and the existence of other people wasn’t going to get me down, not today. Not ever again.

I wasn’t the best at dealing with social situations, in fact, I was the worst. I would panic at the smallest of things for example if my mum left me at a till in the supermarket to get some milk when it was nearly our turn to pay or if I had to order food in a restaurant. My hands would clam up, I would shake my legs, my voice would keep crackling and sweat would drip from my forehead. I was indescribably pathetic so at each and every moment that I felt relaxed and happy, I had to take advantage of it and make the very most of it.

I had been an awkward person for as long as I could remember, my siblings were forever making fun of me for it but I just didn’t let it bother me. It wasn’t until high school where it got really bad, I couldn’t put my hand up in class because I feared of answering questions wrong, I refused to eat school dinners to avoid conversation with dinner ladies who are usually friendly, I was just an embarrassment, when people began to notice this, they didn’t even pause for a second, I got called so many names such as a ‘pathetic bitch’ that’s the one that stuck with me the longest and made me realise I had to change my ways. After so many people called me names and talked about me behind my back, it was difficult to make friends and I became even more awkward. I couldn’t look anyone in the eye, I couldn’t stand still if someone was talking to me, I would mumble and it made me feel like an imbecile. For a few years I just coped with it but I just remember one day as I was trying to get to sleep, I was feeling something strange, it wasn’t sadness though, it felt worse than that. I let my mind wonder about that until I eventually drifted off but I decided to ask my mum about it the next day. I remember the exact look she gave me and the exact words that left her mouth… ‘You are lonely sweetheart’ as soon as she said that, I couldn’t stop thinking and I just knew I had to get out there and make a friend. And it could have been anyone.

I remember it so clearly because it is one of the most significant days of my life, my mum had asked me to go to the supermarket for a few groceries, I was nervous but I felt a rush of determination, determination to change and to be confident.  I was walking down the road and there was a boy sat on a bench, he looked a similar age to me and straight away I could see that something was wrong with him, he had a strange look on his face, as if something bad had happened seconds ago. I panicked but my instinct was to talk to him, console him. I wiped my clammy hands down my legs and slowly approached the bench where the boy was sitting. I sat down next to him and stared at his face, remembering this moment makes me feel so embarrassed, it was like I had never seen a human before, I just stared at him, observing everything about him, I didn’t even know whether he had noticed me but still, I continued to stare.

“Can I help you?” He asked rather quietly.

I recall thinking ‘oh Christ’, I had no idea what to reply and it felt like hours that I sat there thinking about what to say but eventually the words crawled out of my mouth with an embarrassing little stutter.

“Hi, I’m Emily, you look upset”

Had I said the right thing? Did I sound like a fool? Oh my god he was going to stand up and walk away and my confidence was going to go back to zero. I just stared at him, I am laughing thinking about this, I must have looked so silly. I thought I had gone above my standards by talking to someone highly attractive when I have issues talking to any old person. But he was gorgeous, anyone would think so. I felt so stupid because he was now staring at me, no words leaving his mouth. It was an awkward situation but it didn’t feel awkward and that confused me. After a good 5 minutes he finally replied to me.

“Hi Emily, I’m Dan, and nope that’s just my face”

The way he said that made me smile, and I let out a little giggle. He smiled back at me and I could feel my cheeks turning pink, I was blushing like a little bitch. He asked me to walk with him, I completely forgot about what I was initially out for and followed him, we walked for hours but neither of us really saying a word. He led me up to a giant hill and he sat down, so I did the same. He then began to talk, he talked, and talked, and talked. I was amazed, happy, relieved all at once, only god knows what my facial expression must have been when he finished speaking. He was exactly like me, literally the male version of me and I knew in that moment that we would get along perfectly.

Dan and I met almost every day that week, and the week after that and every other week until now, in fact, he’s sat right beside me as I write this, reminiscing how we met and how perfectly we clicked is making us both smile like idiots. I had finally met someone who understood how I had felt all of those years because he had been through the same and we wanted to help each other so very badly and we knew that we could. We shared a whole summer together, going to restaurants and ordering food, it took a while but we did it, we ran errands for our parents and visited museums and art galleries and by the end of summer we felt like normal people. We hadn’t made any other friends but it didn’t feel like we needed to, we had each other and we knew if it came to a time where we had to interact with other people, there would be no problem. He really is the most amazing friend I have ever had.

I never really knew whether Dan had feelings for me, I knew I was always attracted to him but never really expected anything from it because we were friends. But one day, we decided to visit this fancy restaurant, we were going a little bit out of our comfort zone but still, we would be fine. We sat down and were having a laugh, talking about our days and as we were waiting to order our food, Dan stood up in front of a full restaurant and denied his love for me. It was such an amazing moment because it was a giant step for him to talk publicly like that and especially to admit something as big as love. I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face, it was the single most adorable thing anyone had ever done for me, ever. And ever will do. I will never forget it, it was so lovely and heartfelt and I have never felt so special. He’s cringing whilst we reminisce this but he knows it’s in my top five memories that we’ve shared.

He was perfect, my family loved him, I loved him and he had made me a better person, I was no longer a caterpillar waiting to leave its cocoon, I was a butterfly ready to explore the world and meet amazing people and so was Dan, we both applied for university and we attend the same one, we have been together almost 6 years now, time really flies when you meet the perfect person. We have an amazing group of friends who know all about us both and we’ve been told so many times how confident, loud and easy to get along with we are. You would never expect that we struggled to order food in a restaurant before we met each other.

Dan and I’s story proves that once you meet the right person, your life can change for the best and you will become a different person, everyone is so proud of me and I am proud of myself. I would never survive in the world if I was still as awkward as I was in high school, I can only tolerate certain people and when I feel happy, I really take it in because I know I truly deserve it, everyone deserves to be happy, you just have to fight for it but I promise you it is more than worth it. 

12/02/13

Today I started at 9:30am again, I made my way over to my desk and met the woman who is sitting opposite me, her name is Sofia. She took me upstairs and introduced me to the 3 girls who are in charge of events. Their names were Hannah, Karen and Bex and all 3 of them are lovely!

They told me the brief plan of the day and they took me downstairs to the operations centre. They informed me about everything to do with events and that this time of year is the busiest for them. They have many runs and abseiling activities planned over the next few months with various schools and they told me they don’t have a free weekend for a lot of the year now!

They give each challenger a goodie bag at the start of their fundraiser event which contained a t-shirt, a goodie (wallets, water bottles, playing cards, caps etc) and a geo bar. They had 3 different coloured bags: blue, orange and green. And for about 3 hours, we were packing the bags. Small t-shirts in the blue, medium in the green and large in the orange. It was quite stressful because me and one of the girls got chatting a lot and ended up packing large t-shirts in the blue bags so we had to go through them all and sort that out but we had Bruno Mars playing so it was slightly more bearable! We must have packed about 300 bags!

They then took me back up to their desks where Karen and Bex showed me how they sort out the challengers consent forms. I went for my lunch break and when I came back they told me all about the social media they used. They showed me their facebook and twitter page. And let me write two stories for their facebook page! One called ‘challengers of the month’ which was about 2 girls who cycled to school every day to raise money for their expedition and I wrote one about Pancake Day fundraising ideas (see links below) I’m working with them again on Thursday which will be good fun!

http://www.facebook.com/notes/world-challenge-uk-events-fundraising/challenger-of-the-month-february-2013/568335073184370

and

I came back down to my desk at 3:30pm, had a lovely cup of tea and then made my way to Pats office. Pat is the man in charge of the US business, he organises the Boston trips so I found out some information from him about global sites along with information I have on the middle east, south east Asia and South Africa which I will be writing about tomorrow.

I am now editing the stories I wrote yesterday after Matt proof read them and told me I had to cut them down by half!

Tomorrow I have 3 interviews and lots of writing to do! But I’m looking forward to it!

Restraints: A short story.

From the moment I saw her, I felt like nothing else in the world had a meaning. Her eyes were a deep, crystal blue, with skin as soft as fresh snow. I felt like it was impossible for anyone not to fall in love with this woman once they had looked into her eyes, they were so big, full of secrets, bad secrets, the kind you’re best not knowing. Yet something drew me to her, they made me want to know more about the kind of person she was, the kind of life she was living. I saw her every day, and I looked forward to it, every day. I had worked at the asylum for years, and not once had I built up the courage to even say hello to this woman. Hell, I didn’t even know her name. So how was it possible that I felt all these feelings for this woman? How did I want her so much? I didn’t know anything about her, and it scared me. I studied her face for longer, her hair was thick, a golden brown colour, like the sun, beautiful. Her tiny waist, I longed to hold her in my arms, hold her fragile hands, and feel her touch against my body. I wanted to hear her voice whisper sweet words into my ears, I just wanted her to notice my existence. If I felt this strongly about a woman I didn’t know, I was sure she was the one for me.

I looked at him from a far, he always seemed so happy, so composed. I asked myself questions about him constantly, wondering if he looked at me how I look at him. I caught him looking once, but I didn’t know if I was dreaming. I admired his facial features, he had the perfect cheek bones, his face was ever so defined. His lips looked soft, I had imagined kissing them, feeling them against my shoulder as we lay down, staring at the ceiling. But why did I feel this way? Maybe it’s because I’m crazy, I didn’t know, all I knew was that I was drawn to this man. He was like an angel, his eyes were perfect, and I felt like I could look into them for hours without getting bored. They held so many stories and I wanted to hear them, I needed to hear them. I couldn’t approach him though, he knows I’m crazy, he would just think it was my illness which made me want to talk to him.

It was a late Autumn morning and I arrived at work earlier than usual to set up breakfast for the patients, I sat at the table with my cup of tea and watched the caretaker sweep up the crisp leaves which had recently fallen from the trees, winter was swiftly approaching. I loved to sit by the window and think about everything. I thought about her, that beautiful woman, who I saw and admired every day. I had to know her name. I went to the reception desk, luckily there was nobody there and I checked each patients files, I must have done this in an impressive amount of time because it felt like I had been there for hours but only 10 minutes had passed, and I had found the file. Her name was Evelyn, Evelyn Carter. Even her name was beautiful. I couldn’t wait to see her again.

It was beginning to get breezy in my room and I was shivering in my overalls, waiting for the workers to hand me the jumper we get each winter. I missed being at home for winter though, I could barely remember curling up on the sofa by the fireplace drinking hot chocolate and listening to Christmas songs, surrounded by people I loved. And now look where I was, locked up, going out of my mind. I felt like I was ready to go home but I knew that was a phase. I wonder if I would see him today, I wonder if he will look at me today, all I could think about was him. My brain was overloaded with thoughts of him. His face, his voice and his body. I wanted to see him and I wanted to bring myself to talk to him.

It reached 12pm and I was preparing dinner for the female patients, this was the moment I would see Evelyn, I was getting ready to introduce myself, deciding what I would say to her, I felt like I was going mad! How do I act around a woman? It had been so long since I had experienced this. Do I say ‘Hello Evelyn’ or ‘Good Afternoon Evelyn’ do I even use her name? Would she wonder how I knew it? I was getting nervous and I didn’t know why, I am usually a confident man but I suppose in situations involving women I was the shy type of guy, the patients began entering the room and my eyes suddenly became focused. I was like a hawk spying on its prey. I looked out for her and noticed her instantly, her eyes stood out. Wow, she was even more stunning than I remembered, I felt mind blown. I panicked, I didn’t know what to say. She was approaching, she was smiling. Was she going to say something? My heart began to beat faster and faster, I’m sure the other kitchen staff could hear it however I could have been paranoid. After all, I think I was about to speak to the woman of my dreams for the very first time in my life. I was ready.

I looked at him straight away, I felt excited but nervous too. What if he didn’t like me? What if he treated me like a child just because I was a psycho. Who was I kidding? Why did I even begin to think it was a good idea to talk to him? He worked in an asylum, he knew the kind of people we were, no way in hell would he even look at me, I had definitely been imagining this, making stories up in my head as usual. However, deep down, part of me, a very strange part of me at that urged me to say hello, I asked myself whether I should about ten times until I released it was my turn to get my food, I looked at his eyes and the butterflies in my stomach felt like they had all suddenly transformed from caterpillars at the exact same time. I laughed, smiled and said ‘hello.’

My heart melted, was this real? Did this perfect woman just greet me? Was I mad for being attracted to a patient in the asylum or was this normal? I didn’t even care, it isn’t as if I could help it, she was beautiful. I greeted her back ‘Good afternoon Evelyn.’ She smiled at me and my heart melted a little, I smiled back, I couldn’t stop. Her eyes made it look as though she was looking straight into your soul, as if she knew things about you that you didn’t know yourself. I was so intrigued by her. Her face looked sad but happy at the same time, I couldn’t read her expressions, she seemed emotionless. I just wanted to get to know her. But this was different, I couldn’t just ask her out for a drink or to the cinema, of course I couldn’t, she was psychotic but I think I had fallen in love, she had a soothing voice and I noticed that from a simple hello. I needed to get her out of this place. I needed her to be mine. I was so determined, a rush of adrenaline made its way through my body, and again, and again and again. I needed this woman, I would do anything for her to be mine, as crazy as it sounded, I would kill for this woman, I was going to help her escape.

He had a strange look in his eye once I had greeted him, as if he was trying to say something to me using eye contact but I wasn’t that smart, I just smiled back, I wanted to be his, I went back to my room and sat, imagining what it would be like to curl up to him in the winter, sing Christmas carols with him, decorate a house with all the decorations and pretty lights. I was over thinking the situation, we had only said hello to each other yet, there was a connection, a spark, it felt right looking into his eyes and I could picture myself telling him I loved him, but I didn’t want to get carried away, it was unhealthy for my illness. I heard a knock at my door, and I saw a note slide through the crack at the side of the door. It read ‘I will get you out of here if it’s the last thing I do’ was I asleep? Dreaming? I peered through the crack and it was him, the man who had taken over my every thought. I read the letter over and over again. Was this real? I wouldn’t know. I decided I should help him, if he was serious about getting me out of here, helping him was my only option. I was desperate to leave, this man was my knight in shining armour. I was about to escape the place I had dreamt of running away from for over 6 years. I could not believe my luck.

I crept into the medication ward in the early hours of Saturday, everyone else was asleep but not I, my heart and determination were taking over my brain and all I could think about was running away with this woman and living happily with her. I quick scammed each bottle on the top shelf until I came across one labelled ‘Geodon’ I read the description ‘Can keep you asleep for over 5 hours’ I thought to myself ‘this will do’ grabbed the bottle and made my way to the kitchen, my plan was to spike the water machine with this medicine causing every member of staff to collapse so I could take Evelyn away and be with her, where nobody could stop us. I posted her another note, telling her not to drink out of the water machine in the kitchen and that everything was going to be okay. I waited up all night, I must have drunk over 10 cups of coffee to stay awake but I had made it and I saw the sun rise at daybreak.

What was going on? Was this man crazy? Anyone would think he was the one schizophrenic, not I. I heard strange noises outside my room, it felt late, normally I would be having breakfast now but nobody had come to get me, time went by and it began to feel as if I had been locked in my room for hours, I waited and waited for someone to let me out but still nothing, yet the strange noises were still coming from outside, they sounded like screams, as if people were in pain, I began to feel anxious, panicky, I began to hallucinate and I could feel myself about to start screaming at the top of my voice, it was times like these when I felt crazy, I could see nothing and all I could hear were the screams of others around me. I wanted the man to rescue me, he said he would. Where was he?

People were collapsing around me, I was scared. Did this make me a monster? Were they alive? The medicine said it would only make people fall asleep, I was terrified. I couldn’t believe I was doing this for a woman I didn’t even know, but I craved her. I double checked the bottle, I hadn’t checked the back where the small print was. My hands were shaking as I read about what happens when mixed with water, my stomach jolted when I read that it can burn away at your insides. What had I done? I broke down but quickly remembered what I was doing this for, I was doing it for love, an intense feeling of deep affection that I longed for. I had been alone for such a long duration of my life, I deserved someone to love and it was her. I ignored all the staff and raced to Evelyn’s room, I could hear her screaming from down the corridor, I kicked and punched the door so much but nothing was happening, I needed to get in, one of the guards behind me affected by the water had a huge collection of keys attached to her belt, I ripped it off and tried every single one. Halfway through, the door opened and she leaped at me and tried to hit me, I must have frightened her. I held her and I got a sudden rush of excitement. This felt so right.

I had a break down. But I recovered as soon as he held me in his arms because it felt so right, I felt like a normal girl and it was nice. We ran straight to the door, on the way out I grabbed what I thought was another patients bags off the floor which contained a liquid substance of some sort. My head was messed up. I told the man to drink it and it would calm him down without checking the label first. I shouldn’t be out of that asylum, I was ill and I was supposed to be in there no matter how much I hated it, I wasn’t safe out here. I was scared. I watched him drink it, intrigued by the way his lips wrapped around the bottle top. He fell onto me, his eyes rolling back and forwards, his skin went 3 shades paler and I panicked. What had I given him? I hadn’t even checked. I read the bottle and dropped it in shock. This wasn’t medicine, this was poison to get rid of rodents in the asylum kitchen.

My skin began to bubble, it felt as though something was eating away at my flesh. I felt drowsy and as if I was heading into my own little world, the last thing I saw were her eyes, her deep, crystal eyes, staring into mine with a look of concern, I could finally see her emotions. I was lead to believe she felt the same about me, the way she looked at me wasn’t just a look of someone who was an acquaintance, there was something there, something special. I was panicking, I felt like I had just rescued a princess from her tower and now I felt like I was about to die. I heard her voice in my ear ‘I’m going to find the antidote, I’m going to find the antidote’ she said it about 5 times before I found myself drifting off, not knowing whether I would wake up again or not.

It was a late Autumn morning and I woke up in a freezing cold room with padded walls and no windows. I looked to my side and the nurse was there, cleaning the end of the syringe and the needle. ‘Everything will be okay Daniel, it’s all over now’ what was she talking about? I had just rescued the girl of my dreams. ‘Where is she? Where is Evelyn?’ I panicked. ‘It’s been 10 years since you killed her Daniel, she isn’t here anymore’ I didn’t understand. I didn’t know what to do, I was lost, in my own mind and nothing or nobody could help me, not even my medicine. I didn’t even know who I was anymore. I stared into the nurses eyes, I felt like I was about to cry. ‘You’ve been hallucinating again Daniel’ the nurse explained. ‘They’re very common when you’re suffering schizophrenia, don’t worry, you can get yourself back to sleep now, your medicine will keep you safe.’ I looked at my door, wishing it was a window so I could watch the Autumn change to Winter but I was stuck in this life and I was never escaping it.