Memories Of An Old Romance

I glanced at them both from afar,
As he helped her out of his car,
He was tall with a lovely smile,
Her eyes bright blue, shone for a mile.

I kissed her lips and held her hand,
Her hair was golden like the sand,
Her blue eyes made me feel so lost,
She was mine and lucky, I was.

His smile was the best of them all,
We laughed and joked sat on the wall,
He held my waist, we walked away,
He made every day the best day.

They looked so happy and in love,
The kind of love I was free of,
I missed my lover most at night,
Being alone wasn’t quite right.

Advertisements

Change

As I sat in the sun, embracing the rays as they gently kissed the surface of my skin, I longingly stared at the sky, it was so blue, a beautiful shade of blue with not a cloud in sight. I laid back in an old deck chair of ours whilst my music flooded my ears, right through me making me feel like nothing or nobody was around, I knew they were though and I knew it was probably best if I acknowledged them but I felt so relaxed and lost in the moment that I quite frankly wasn’t bothered if anyone considered me rude or antisocial. I felt happy, genuinely happy and the existence of other people wasn’t going to get me down, not today. Not ever again.

I wasn’t the best at dealing with social situations, in fact, I was the worst. I would panic at the smallest of things for example if my mum left me at a till in the supermarket to get some milk when it was nearly our turn to pay or if I had to order food in a restaurant. My hands would clam up, I would shake my legs, my voice would keep crackling and sweat would drip from my forehead. I was indescribably pathetic so at each and every moment that I felt relaxed and happy, I had to take advantage of it and make the very most of it.

I had been an awkward person for as long as I could remember, my siblings were forever making fun of me for it but I just didn’t let it bother me. It wasn’t until high school where it got really bad, I couldn’t put my hand up in class because I feared of answering questions wrong, I refused to eat school dinners to avoid conversation with dinner ladies who are usually friendly, I was just an embarrassment, when people began to notice this, they didn’t even pause for a second, I got called so many names such as a ‘pathetic bitch’ that’s the one that stuck with me the longest and made me realise I had to change my ways. After so many people called me names and talked about me behind my back, it was difficult to make friends and I became even more awkward. I couldn’t look anyone in the eye, I couldn’t stand still if someone was talking to me, I would mumble and it made me feel like an imbecile. For a few years I just coped with it but I just remember one day as I was trying to get to sleep, I was feeling something strange, it wasn’t sadness though, it felt worse than that. I let my mind wonder about that until I eventually drifted off but I decided to ask my mum about it the next day. I remember the exact look she gave me and the exact words that left her mouth… ‘You are lonely sweetheart’ as soon as she said that, I couldn’t stop thinking and I just knew I had to get out there and make a friend. And it could have been anyone.

I remember it so clearly because it is one of the most significant days of my life, my mum had asked me to go to the supermarket for a few groceries, I was nervous but I felt a rush of determination, determination to change and to be confident.  I was walking down the road and there was a boy sat on a bench, he looked a similar age to me and straight away I could see that something was wrong with him, he had a strange look on his face, as if something bad had happened seconds ago. I panicked but my instinct was to talk to him, console him. I wiped my clammy hands down my legs and slowly approached the bench where the boy was sitting. I sat down next to him and stared at his face, remembering this moment makes me feel so embarrassed, it was like I had never seen a human before, I just stared at him, observing everything about him, I didn’t even know whether he had noticed me but still, I continued to stare.

“Can I help you?” He asked rather quietly.

I recall thinking ‘oh Christ’, I had no idea what to reply and it felt like hours that I sat there thinking about what to say but eventually the words crawled out of my mouth with an embarrassing little stutter.

“Hi, I’m Emily, you look upset”

Had I said the right thing? Did I sound like a fool? Oh my god he was going to stand up and walk away and my confidence was going to go back to zero. I just stared at him, I am laughing thinking about this, I must have looked so silly. I thought I had gone above my standards by talking to someone highly attractive when I have issues talking to any old person. But he was gorgeous, anyone would think so. I felt so stupid because he was now staring at me, no words leaving his mouth. It was an awkward situation but it didn’t feel awkward and that confused me. After a good 5 minutes he finally replied to me.

“Hi Emily, I’m Dan, and nope that’s just my face”

The way he said that made me smile, and I let out a little giggle. He smiled back at me and I could feel my cheeks turning pink, I was blushing like a little bitch. He asked me to walk with him, I completely forgot about what I was initially out for and followed him, we walked for hours but neither of us really saying a word. He led me up to a giant hill and he sat down, so I did the same. He then began to talk, he talked, and talked, and talked. I was amazed, happy, relieved all at once, only god knows what my facial expression must have been when he finished speaking. He was exactly like me, literally the male version of me and I knew in that moment that we would get along perfectly.

Dan and I met almost every day that week, and the week after that and every other week until now, in fact, he’s sat right beside me as I write this, reminiscing how we met and how perfectly we clicked is making us both smile like idiots. I had finally met someone who understood how I had felt all of those years because he had been through the same and we wanted to help each other so very badly and we knew that we could. We shared a whole summer together, going to restaurants and ordering food, it took a while but we did it, we ran errands for our parents and visited museums and art galleries and by the end of summer we felt like normal people. We hadn’t made any other friends but it didn’t feel like we needed to, we had each other and we knew if it came to a time where we had to interact with other people, there would be no problem. He really is the most amazing friend I have ever had.

I never really knew whether Dan had feelings for me, I knew I was always attracted to him but never really expected anything from it because we were friends. But one day, we decided to visit this fancy restaurant, we were going a little bit out of our comfort zone but still, we would be fine. We sat down and were having a laugh, talking about our days and as we were waiting to order our food, Dan stood up in front of a full restaurant and denied his love for me. It was such an amazing moment because it was a giant step for him to talk publicly like that and especially to admit something as big as love. I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face, it was the single most adorable thing anyone had ever done for me, ever. And ever will do. I will never forget it, it was so lovely and heartfelt and I have never felt so special. He’s cringing whilst we reminisce this but he knows it’s in my top five memories that we’ve shared.

He was perfect, my family loved him, I loved him and he had made me a better person, I was no longer a caterpillar waiting to leave its cocoon, I was a butterfly ready to explore the world and meet amazing people and so was Dan, we both applied for university and we attend the same one, we have been together almost 6 years now, time really flies when you meet the perfect person. We have an amazing group of friends who know all about us both and we’ve been told so many times how confident, loud and easy to get along with we are. You would never expect that we struggled to order food in a restaurant before we met each other.

Dan and I’s story proves that once you meet the right person, your life can change for the best and you will become a different person, everyone is so proud of me and I am proud of myself. I would never survive in the world if I was still as awkward as I was in high school, I can only tolerate certain people and when I feel happy, I really take it in because I know I truly deserve it, everyone deserves to be happy, you just have to fight for it but I promise you it is more than worth it. 

Sweet Clichés

I just want you back in my arms,

Talking about both of our days,

I really miss all of your charms,

Along with all our sweet clichés.

 

I don’t know what is going on,

But I know you can brave a smile,

I think you can keep yourself strong,

I will stick around for a while.

 

I feel better when you’re around,

So please can you not go away,

If only we could just lie down,

That is where I would want to stay.

 

Things will start to look up from here,

I can promise you that alright,

I guess I’m just living in fear,

Let’s hope we both choose what is right.

The Past

There is nothing stronger,
than the feelings from your past,
It may take you longer,
but you’ll forget them at last,
I know that it is sad,
to block out what happened then,
But that is what you had,
and you don’t want that again,
If you can, brave a smile,
even if it is pretend,
It will be hard for a while,
but this is not the end,
You deserve to be happy,
with somebody you love,
Although you may get snappy,
remember you’re free of,
Crying ‘til you fall asleep,
and dreading the next day,
Walking away was a leap,
so try living in today.

Unheralded Danger

Ever since the haunting night when I tragically lost Emily, nothing was the same. Weekly traditions were broken and I felt lonely at least 3 times a day. But I braved a smile as often as I could and managed to continue with my daily routine despite how difficult it was to do so.

Months had now passed but I still missed her every day. Her deep blue eyes and her adorable freckles that multiplied in the sun… I would do anything to hold her in my arms again, to kiss her rosy cheeks and I would certainly kill to tell her how much she meant to me once more. I felt myself sinking into my past with her and I was losing control so I shook myself off and headed out of the cemetery with my signature false smile spread right across my face. New York was an incredibly busy city, even at night. There were people everywhere I looked. So why did I feel so isolated and alone?

I walked down a quiet alley close to my flat but before turning left towards my home, I couldn’t help but glimpse over at the little traditional Chinese take-out with the florescent waving cat sign. Emily and I used to get dinner from here every Friday night without fail. I sighed. Was I ready to go back in there or would it leave me feeling nostalgic? I had to get a grip; it’s just a take-out. I slowly made my way over to the entrance, but I eventually made it in and was greeted politely. I remembered what I was missing out on over the past 5 months and it made me sad, the staff were all so friendly still and unlike mine, their smiles were real. It made me feel warm inside and as if I belonged here.

I picked up a menu after about 5 minutes and decided to order a Chicken Chow Mein with Singapore fried rice, they gave me a selection of fortune cookies but only Emily was into that kind of thing yet I decided to keep one and handed the rest to a shivering homeless man a couple of feet away from the take-out. I arrived back home and sat down on my sofa, about to begin my meal before remembering that Emily and I used to open our fortune cookies before eating and discuss the message. Naturally, I smiled thinking about it and opened the cookie for old time’s sake. My smile suddenly dropped along with my stomach. My hands began to shake and I felt a shiver slowly crawl down each section of my spine. I read the message over and over again in my head until eventually the words just stumbled out of my mouth: ‘Your life is in danger, say nothing to anyone. You must leave the city immediately and never return. Say nothing’

Leaving the city didn’t sound too bad, I think I deserved a holiday… Bora Bora or Fiji… I could really do with that but fantasising was the last thing I should be doing. Or am I being ridiculous? It’s a fortune cookie; messages like this are printed in all of them. I laughed it off and tucked into my meal, it was just as delicious as I remembered. All of a sudden I heard a knock on my door, I never had visitors… I opened my door and nothing was there, I looked down and noticed a note on the doormat so I picked it up and turned it over. ‘Leave’ was all it read. I felt my stomach turn a little but I ignored this note too.

As I lay in bed all I could think about were these signs, it would be so different if Emily was here, we would make a joke out of it. As stupid as it sounds, I was genuinely quite frightened. I turned over to kiss the photo of Emily and I on my bedside table but to my shock, Emily had disappeared from the photo and instead, my arm was around a black figure. My heart began to beat exceedingly fast and I felt like I was living a nightmare. I packed as many bags as I could, jumped into my car and drove until sunrise. I was heading towards California where my parents and little sister lived.

The next day arrived and I woke up to a giant black cloud surrounding my car. The weather was never like this in California. I panicked and tried to carry on driving but my engine wasn’t switching on, I tried to open the windows, they wouldn’t budge. And then I noticed something in my mirror, someone was sat in the backseat of my car, and it wasn’t just anyone, it was Emily. I turned around and felt a tear roll down my cheek as she reached her hand out. Nothing else mattered now, I was about to feel her soft skin against mine again. I reached my hand out to touch hers but as soon as our hands met, something strange happened, the giant cloud began to get tighter and tighter and Emily’s face began to turn grey until all that was left was a black shadow… I stared down at my hand which was interlocked with hers seconds ago and mine was also turning grey. I was confused, scared and anxious. I shouted for help but nobody could hear me. I had a flashback of all the spooky happenings from the previous night and I stared through the back of my car in epiphany, watching as everything around me disappeared into nothing.