Cuts and Bruises

I had never been one of those girls who believed in soul mates, true love and all that soppy nonsense and I was never really bothered about marriage or finding ‘The One.’  That was until a couple of years ago when the most bizarre thing happened to me… I mean, you watch all of these romantic comedies and you read all of these romance novels and you just assume that you will find your perfect match through fate or when you least expect it however for me, I don’t believe it was fate and was I expecting this? Not in the slightest.

It all started in my last year of University, I was in a close-knit group of friends and the majority of them were in relationships, it never really bothered me despite the fact I wanted to vomit in their faces a lot of the time because they were so cringe worthy but if they were happy, I was happy I guess. They were always nagging at me, asking me why I wasn’t interested in finding a boyfriend and they never said it but you could tell they thought I was lonely and I honestly didn’t feel like I was so my reaction was always a grunt or my classic eye roll which made them well aware that I just wanted them to be quiet.

My hauntingly loud alarm was going off at such a painful hour in the morning but I had to be awake and I had to make myself go for a run otherwise I was going to look like a sack of potatoes during the summer. I woke up to rub my eyes and noticed a giant cut on my index finger which looked like it had been bleeding for quite some time. I touched it but it stung like crazy so I got up and ran it under cold water. My mind was boggled as I tried to work out how on Earth I could have managed to cut my finger so badly in my sleep. I had never been a sleepwalker so it was truly beyond me how this cut had appeared on my finger. I put a plaster over it and continued with my day, not really thinking anything of it. A couple of weeks passed and I was washing up in my flats kitchen when a sudden pain stabbed the back of my leg, I flinched and looked down to see blood coming through my white jeans. I panicked and shouted for help, realising my efforts were pointless as I was the only person around. I ran to my bathroom, pulled my jeans off to find a giant gash in the back of my leg, I didn’t even think about the mysterious cut on my finger at first because I was in so much shock. How could this possibly have happened when all I was doing was washing up my dishes?! I sat down to watch TV and tried not to think about what had just happened.

It was the summer holidays and the girls and I were on our way to the airport for a week in Spain. I was excited because it was the first time in months that we had been together without any of the boys and it was going to be great getting away for a while. I was sat in-between Carla and Isabel in the backseat and we were chatting about a new lipstick that Carla had bought that morning when suddenly, my head jerked back and they both screamed. My head began to ache. Everything went fuzzy and I couldn’t hear a thing. I came back around quite quickly and once I did, all the girls were asking me if I was ok. I had no idea what had just happened but all I knew was that I had a giant bruise all around my right eye and I looked like I had just been beaten up by Mike Tyson. None of the girls understood and we were all so confused so I decided to tell them about the other mysterious injuries that had been happening over the past few months. They all told me I should see a doctor and I knew I had to talk to someone because it was as if someone had a voodoo doll of me and every time I did something or said something they didn’t agree with, I got a hit!

“It can wait until after Spain” I said. And they made sure I was alright and told me they would keep an eye on me. In all honesty I was just pissed off that I had an ugly black eye for the duration of my holiday. I wished that I had a bag of frozen peas to hold to my eye but I had to deal with the throbbing, be a grown up and get on the plane.

We arrived at the hotel quite early the next day and I just wanted to lay down in the dark for a while whilst the others went in the pool, I dragged my luggage through the lobby and bumped into quite a tall man who was looking extremely rough. His skin was pale, his lips looked like they needed a whole tub of Vaseline on them and strangest of all, he had an ugly black eye… An ugly right black eye. I apologised for bumping into him and he just nodded at me. I continued to walk past him, pulling my suitcase across the floor but as I walked away, I turned around to look at him again. He was wearing a white t-shirt with some bright orange swimming trunks. I looked down to see what shoes he was sporting but something grabbed my attention on his leg. He had a fairly big cut there and it looked identical to the mysterious one on mine which appeared when I was washing up. “I’m just tired” I laughed to myself and walked up to my hotel room.

***

I had been in Spain for 2 days and I had already managed to get myself punched in the eye for trying to protect my friend in a bar. It wasn’t going well and I wasn’t going to meet a pretty girl with a black eye which was swollen to the size of my face but there wasn’t much I could do about it. It was early morning on my 3^rd day in this beautiful country and I decided to go for a swim in the sun to cool myself down. I dived in and began swimming lengths, as I almost reached my 10^th length I noticed drops of blooding coming from me. I panicked and swam quickly to the edge to get out of the pool. Little cuts were appearing all over my legs and feet and tiny amounts of blood were coming out of them. I was baffled and went to the showers to try and stop the bleeding. I thought I may have cut myself on something in the pool but I couldn’t think of anything it could have been.

***

One of my favourite things about hotels had always been the complimentary shampoo, conditioner, soap and razor and I almost always used them. As I arrived at my room I decided to take a shower to freshen myself up. I grabbed the razor and stupidly started shaving my legs thinking it would just be like my Venus razor at home but no, not even slightly, it was a little piece of plastic with a couple of metal blades at the end and my legs were covered in drops of blood. Using that razor was a bad idea and it also made me reluctant to use the shampoo.

I had a power nap and made my way downstairs to grab some lunch with the girls. I was wearing my favourite Levi shorts with a bright floral top from Hollister and I felt so fresh and summery despite the fact I had little plasters all over my legs from where I had embarrassingly cut myself shaving. I came to the lift and waited for about 30 seconds and once it reached my floor I was surprised to see the man from the lobby in there too. We awkwardly stood there for 13 floors as the instrumental traditional lift music played in the background. I tried to catch another glimpse of the cut on his leg and as I did so, I noticed he had several plasters on his legs in the EXACT same places as mine. I stared at his legs with an expression of pure shock and confusion on my face and he looked at me like I was crazy.

“Can I help you love?” He said. His voice was so deep and husky and I didn’t even know it was possible to find a voice attractive but it was. It really was. I stared at him, in silence. His eyes, oh his eyes. They were bright blue and I could feel myself staring into them like a complete idiot. I was really making a fool out of myself here, I had to say something.

“Ok. What the hell?” I shouted at him. Oh good one, shout at a stranger after staring at him for about a minute and a half. Smooth. He stopped the elevator and looked at me with his arms crossed. I panicked. I showed him the scar on my leg and the plasters on my legs and explained the weird cut on my finger and asked him whether he thought it was strange that we had the exact same black eye. His response? – “Ok. What the hell?!”

Before I know it, we’re both sat down on the floor of the lift discussing our cuts and bruises and everything else. I knew the girls would be wondering where I had got to but this man intrigued me. He told me that he was a sous chef and that he had cut his finger a few weeks ago on a knife and it had bled a lot. He then explained that he played football on the weekends and a player on the opposite team had kicked him in the back of the leg with his blade boots on. I asked him how he got his black eye and it turns out he got punched for trying to break up a fight in a bar.

“So if my injuries have appeared on you, are your injuries appearing on me? What did you do to your legs this morning?”  He asked me with a curious yet handsome look in his eyes.

I blushed and felt my face turning a lovely shade of red. I stuttered and told him that I had used a cheap hotel razor. Despite this situation being undoubtedly unusual, he smiled and laughed at me. I didn’t know what to do, what to say or what to think. We spoke for what felt like hours, we had so much in common and the more we spoke, the more attracted to him I was. His name was Mitchell Jones and he was a sous chef in a fancy restaurant in London.

***

This situation was so mind blowing and I think it could only take a genius to work out what on earth was going on. But this girl was so beautiful even with a black and blue eye. Her name was Charlotte Carter and she was a History student at Bath University.  I decided that if my cuts were her cuts, the only way we could find out is if we saw each-other get injured. I didn’t want any serious pain because I didn’t want to hurt her so I told her to watch her forearm. I pursed my lips around my forearm and sucked, as if I was giving myself a hickey. Weird but I knew it left a bruise, it didn’t hurt and it was the only way we could find out after all.

***

I watched him give himself a love bite, kind of wishing his arm was my lips. He shot me a glare which I knew straight away meant he wanted me to keep watching my fore arm. And to my shock and horror, a red patch was gradually appearing in the exact spot of my arm that Mitchell was sucking on his. He stopped and stared at my arm, then stared at me, then stared at his arm.

“They’re exactly the f***king same.” He whispered.

This was so strange and I’d never seen anything like it, it wasn’t in any films I’d watched nor in any books I had read. We arranged to meet for dinner that evening after exchanging digits and hotel room numbers. I walked away from the lift, I couldn’t help but smile. Even though this was all very odd, I had butterflies in my stomach and I had never felt like this before. I had heard my friends speak of ‘butterflies’ but I never cared about experiencing them. But they were lovely and they made me feel all warm inside. I met with the girls and understandably, they were angry at me for being so late but once I had explained what had happened they all seemed so excited. I found it funny how they were more intrigued that I had met a boy I quite liked rather than our cuts and bruises appearing at the same time. Typical girls for you, we’re all hopeless romantics deep down.

Isabel helped me get ready for my date in my room and she helped calm my nerves. I had never been on a date before and especially in a situation like this, it was quite a big moment for me.

“You look great” She shouted out of the door as I was halfway down the hallway. I giggled and waited by the lift. The door pinged open and Mitchell was stood there with a beautiful bouquet of flowers which had blatantly been purchased in the hotel shop but it’s the thought that counts! We sat down for dinner and chatted all night long about everything, trying not to mention the cuts and bruises until towards the end of our date.  Mitchell announced that he had been to speak to someone about our situation but wouldn’t tell me who because he was ‘embarrassed.’ He went silent for a couple of seconds before telling me that they had basically said there was no other explanation than fate. I almost choked on my wine.

“Why are you laughing Charlotte?”
“I laugh in the face of fate! It doesn’t exist!” I said rather loudly. I could see him blushing and felt guilty for shouting that out in the middle of a restaurant. I apologised and we continued talking about what this mystery person had told Mitchell.

We got along like a house on fire and the more the night progressed, the more I was falling for him and believing that maybe fate does exist. Mitchell was looking at my eyes and I felt insecure mainly because of my black eye but I remembered he had one too so I decided that two could play at this game and began looking into his eyes. My heart was beating so fast and I really wanted to kiss this man right now. I couldn’t read the signs so I continued looking at him, smiling as I felt my heart beat almost too fast for my body. He leaned over the table, placed his warm hand on my face, pulled me closer and began to kiss me. I felt sparks fly, I felt the butterflies in my stomach crash into each-other and I felt fireworks coming out of my head. It felt so right and this was the moment when I realised fate does exist and there is a soul mate out there for everyone whether you believe it or not. One kiss can change your mind about anything. I wanted this man to be mine.

Months passed and Mitchell and I were so close, I had graduated from University and was living with him in London. We honestly were made for each other and I never thought I’d be saying that I was pleased to have cuts and bruises all over my body because it led me to the most amazing husband in the world and I wouldn’t want matching cuts with anyone else in the world.  

 

My Best Friend

I read the note and my heart sank to the pit of my stomach.

***

Noah and I had been running together since we were in high school. We were now in our early twenties and he was my best friend. I had always got along with boys better than girls. They were less bitchy and had better banter and I just preferred their company. Girls would bitch about me and call me a slut but I had never slept with anyone and I had never even been in a relationship. Noah was my best friend, he had been there for me through everything and he was especially supportive when my Dad passed away earlier this year. He was amazing and I would be lost without him.

It was 6:20 on a Sunday morning and I called up Noah to make sure he was awake for our daily run. He answered, on the first ring, as always. Every day we ended up talking on the phone until we reached the meeting point to start our run which was a broken lamppost on the corner of our street. As I waited, I warmed myself up by jogging on the spot and doing a couple of stretches until I saw Noah jogging towards me wearing a florescent pink sweat band on his head with matching ones on his wrists. Oh, and matching socks. I stopped what I was doing and stared at him with a look on my face which quite clearly said ‘Go home and get changed or I’m running alone.’ Noah looked at me and burst out laughing, I can only assume it was because he knew exactly what my face was telling him as he swiftly took off the sweat bands. He left the socks but I think I could get past that. We began to run our usual route and Noah kept telling me about some argument he’d got into with his girlfriend the night before. They argued so much it was abnormal but if they loved each other I suppose it didn’t matter, I guess I was just sick of hearing about it when he could quite easily walk away.

My favourite part of the run was this small forest that had a little clearing with a bench and we always sat there for a drink and ended up talking for what felt like hours. I don’t know what it was about Noah but we always got carried away with conversation and it was comforting. The conversations varied, one day we would talk about how amazing it would be if animals wore hats and then the next day we could talk about our political views. It was just that kind of friendship and I wouldn’t swap it for the world. Today’s conversation was about how we would react if it started raining rabbits. The outcome was that I would take as many as I could and keep them all whereas Noah said he would take as many as he could and make them into pies. And on that note, we got up and finished our run. When we got back to the lamppost, we completed our special handshake which we’d been improving and perfecting for over 10 years and gave each other a hug and wandered our separate ways.

I had a shower and got ready to go into town for some lunch with two of my friends; Matilda and Bethany, Tilly and Beth for short. I had known them both since primary school and it had always been us 3 but Tilly and Beth were closest and I was the tag along although, they still included me in most activities which was great. I decided to walk into town rather than get the bus because really, anything was better than public transport. I took my time because I knew they would both be late. It was a lovely autumn day, the air was warm but I felt a mild breeze against my skin every now and then, leaves crunched under my feet as I walked along the pavement. I studied the trees around me and the leaves were slowly dancing along with the wind preparing for winter. I found trees strange. They were the opposite of people. Imagine the leaves are what keep the trees warm, without leaves, the trees are bare and in winter, the leaves disappear whereas in winter, people wrap up and if jumpers were leaves, we wouldn’t be bare and cold. It sounds silly I know but I thought about it all the time at this time of year.

I arrived in town and to my surprise; Tilly and Beth were stood outside the café with huge smiles on their faces. I gave them each a hug and we strolled inside and chose the brown leather sofas near the open fire, none of us ever had to ask each other where we should sit, we always made our way to the sofas because that was our designated area every time we went here.

“So, I take it you’ve been on your run with lover boy this morning? Tilly said, raising her eyebrows.
“Lover boy? Leave it out, you know he has a girlfriend” I said shrugging my shoulders.

The thing is, my friends knew me so well that they felt comfortable telling me at least once a day that they knew I was in love with Noah and my answer every time was ‘He has a girlfriend.’ Which I suppose didn’t make it sound like I was denying the fact that I was in love with him but I wasn’t, well, I didn’t think I was but Tilly and Beth did and they were never going to believe otherwise no matter how much I tried to persuade them that they were wrong. The girls and I talked and laughed all afternoon and it was so good to spend time with them, it always was.

I got home and slumped myself onto my bed. I had in the morning so I needed to get some sleep but all I could think about was Noah ever since Tilly mentioned him in the café, I decided to give him a call to see if he wanted to come over and watch a film, it rang a couple of times which was extraordinary because he always picked up instantly. I heard a knock on my door so I left my phone on my bed and went to answer it. Noah was stood on my doorstep with tears streaming down his cheeks.

“She’s had enough. She’s left me.” He said under his breath.

I let him inside and make him a cup of tea.

“Have you got anything stronger?”
“Noah! It’s a Sunday night, you’re drinking tea or water.”
“Tea it is then…”

I sat next to him on my sofa and muted the TV. He explained that Sarah, who was his evil yet stunning girlfriend had come home late that evening and he didn’t understand what she possibly could want to do on a Sunday afternoon other than spend it watching rubbish tv with him so he asked her about it and she acted strange and he knew she was hiding something. He told me that he heard a car screech outside and Sarah ran up the stairs, all her bags packed.

“She didn’t even look at me, she didn’t even say anything. She grabbed all the bags and jumped into the car, I didn’t even see who it was.”

I never realised how much Sarah meant to Noah but now it was clear to me. All I wanted to do was give him a hug, so I did and he cried into me, almost falling asleep on my shoulder. It felt so nice. Oh god. Maybe I was in love with him. Or maybe it was just this moment; I hadn’t ever felt this before. I ignored it. He was my best friend and he was in need, so I soothed him.

“You know you’re welcome to stay here tonight if you don’t feel like going back to yours. ” I said, trying to sound comforting.

He nodded his head which I assumed he meant he wanted to.

“I’ll grab you a duvet and some pillows”
“Thank you Lucy.”

And that was that. He fell asleep on the sofa and I stayed wide awake in my bed for a good couple of hours. I was pleasantly drifting off until I heard my door creak open with Noah stood in his boxers by the door. He walked slowly towards me and sat next to me in my bed. I looked into his eyes, they looked sad. I saw his face slowly moving towards mine. My eyes widened. I panicked. What was happening? What do I do? He kissed me.

I placed my hands on his face and kissed him back, I knew I wanted to so I did. His lips felt so soft against mine, my eyes were closed and I didn’t feel like I had to open them, I just went along with it. My heart was beating so fast and I hoped he couldn’t hear it. I ran my fingers through his hair. He bit my lip. I lay on my back, he lay on top of me, holding my back tightly, my toes curled, my breaths became shorter, he kissed my neck over and over again and I was feeling emotions I’d never felt before, it was amazing. This felt so right but so wrong but more right. I didn’t want it to stop and it didn’t for most of the night. We fell asleep in each other’s arms so late that we both slept in and missed our run.

I woke up to the screeching of my alarm clock, it read 8:30am. My mind was flurried from the thoughts of last night, I rolled onto my side and Noah was gone and placed where he would have been was a small piece of paper. I read the note and my heart sank to the pit of my stomach.

“Lucy,

Last night was perfect and I don’t regret it, not even slightly.
You’re beautiful, gentle and sweet and you’ve been my best friend for countless years but last night proved to me that I don’t just see you as my friend, I’ve fallen in love with you, by accident.

And the thought of you finding this out whilst I’m still around is enough for you to want to run away from me and I’m sorry but I just can’t handle that, therefore, I’m running away from you.

I am in love with you but we both know that’s wrong of me. You deserve better, someone else who is willing to take the time to learn to fully appreciate you.

Sarah came back for me and I feel like what I should do is go with her, away. Away from his place. Away from you. I suppose I do love her after all.

I’m sorry, maybe it is the best for you also.

Love always,

Noah

X.”

I threw the note on my bed, ran outside and kicked the almost broken lamppost until my foot began to ache as much as my heart. I collapsed to the ground and burst into tears. I was in love with Noah and he was in love with me but he couldn’t face it meaning I’d lost my best friend.

The Love Notes

I was in my last year of high school and I was your typical teenage girl, complained about every little thing in the world, not that anyone cared. I didn’t have a great social life, I enjoyed my own company a little bit too much and it was getting slightly embarrassing. Don’t get me wrong, I had friends, a good group of them but we were all the same when we were on our own, we’d sit in our bedrooms blogging, listening to music or watching TV series… one of the three anyway so we never really got out much and most of my friends were in relationships so yeah, you could say I was happy for them or you could say I wanted to kill them because I was sick of being lonely and bored, there’s only so much ben and jerry’s and chocolate in the world, you know.

It was the first day of school after the summer holidays and everyone in my class had travelled all over the world but not me, I had been to Wales with my parents to stay in my grandparents’ caravan and I can tell you now, I can’t describe that as a holiday more of a trip to what I could imagine Hell being like. I enjoyed listening to everyone else’s holiday anecdotes though, mainly because it was a topic of conversation in class that wouldn’t matter if I was falling asleep or thinking about what I would have for tea that night. The first day back was always relatively relaxed though so I wasn’t really bothered about the fact that I had only slept for 2 hours the night before, everyone else looked just as dead as me, I think as the years go on in your education, you begin to make less and less of an effort to look presentable and I personally, was absolutely fine with this because I only spent about 5 minutes getting ready that morning, I don’t think I even brushed my hair.

I met with my friends at lunch but as per usual, they were comparing sex stories from the summer and I for one, wanted nothing to do with this conversation due to the fact that 1. It made me want to eat my own sick over and over again and 2. It wasn’t interesting to me in the slightest and I would never understand why they were all so bothered about each other. They all assumed I was jealous because I always went all funny when they spoke about their relationships, ok so maybe I was a bit jealous but it was more the fact that I was lonely and it is difficult having no other friends who are single. I feel so horrible saying this but I did feel a dash of happiness within me when they came to me for advice about arguments, the thought of at least one of the couples breaking up excited me, I just wanted at least one of my friends back.

The day was going so slowly and I was already excited to get back in bed and watch TV series all night long, I had tonnes of coursework that I should probably get on with first but every year I treated the first week of school as a warm up, I mean come on, the 7am wake ups are hard enough, let alone going into a building where you can’t walk past one person and sigh at how much you dislike them, maybe that’s a little bit of an exaggeration, but I did hate most people in my school. I headed towards my locker to collect my things to go home, as I got to it I noticed a piece of paper peeping through the crack, my first assumption was that it was just my timetable slipping out but once I had opened my locker and taken the piece of paper out, I realised it was not my timetable but in fact, a small note. ‘Dear Rosie,’ I read.

‘I don’t really know how to approach this but I have been thinking about you all over the summer, I saw your smile and heard your laugh and fell in love with you in a heartbeat, you’re beautiful and I would love to get to know you more – Me’

As I read it, I kind of laughed inside my head like for starters, who can fall in love with someone they have never spoken to? Is that possible? I didn’t know and secondly, they signed it with ‘me’ really? How clichéd yet frustrating because now I wanted to know who it was from but then I thought, what if they did know me, what if it was a close friend, they knew my name… It could be anyone.

When I arrived home I didn’t do anything with the letter, I honestly didn’t think anything of it, it was most likely a practical joke that my friends were playing on me so I thought I’d give them the satisfaction and tell them nothing about it, even if I did tell them, it was inevitable that one of them would pipe up with ‘awwww I remember when my boyfriend did that for me’ and I would have to punch them in the face so… it was best left a secret between me and ‘me’.

The next day at school, I went to my locker to put my books in for the afternoon and again, there was a small piece of paper slipping out of my locker. I sighed and shook my head but read it.

‘Dear Rosie, your eyes are honestly incredible and I love what you’re doing with your hair now, it really suits you. I would really like to take you out some time soon, anywhere you want, it’s your choice, you deserve the very best and I would like to be the one to give you that. –Me’

As I read this one, I could feel my eyes widening and all I was thinking in my head was ‘what on earth…’ because this note was kind of creepy, it made me feel like the person writing them was watching me but I ignored this one too and continued with my day. I spent the lunch break with my friends and they weren’t acting different in any way which confused me because when they had played pranks before, they find it practically impossible to keep a straight face around their victim so this made me question whether it was them or not.

Just before walking home, I went back to my locker to fetch my books and saw the note again and shivered, I got home and put the two together, it was definitely the same person writing them, I thought that I could look at everyone’s work in class to match the handwriting but it could be anyone, it could even be someone in a lower year, I had no idea so I just kept thinking and thinking about it. I received these love notes in my locker once a day for the full year of school, I received this note on our last day with a rose attached to it.

‘Dear Rosie, I will miss you dearly when you leave school, the way you used to flutter your eyelashes, the way your cheeks blushed a rosy pink when you answered a question wrong, the way your hair was always so neat and perfect and the way you used to giggle at things that only you would find funny. I believe you are the perfect girl for me but I’m afraid I will never be good enough for you so all I have left to say is good luck, this is the last of my letters but I can say, I will see you around but you will not see me. -Me’

5 years have passed since my last year of school, I have 4 A levels and a degree in History but I still have absolutely no idea who wrote me these notes every day for a year.

Change

As I sat in the sun, embracing the rays as they gently kissed the surface of my skin, I longingly stared at the sky, it was so blue, a beautiful shade of blue with not a cloud in sight. I laid back in an old deck chair of ours whilst my music flooded my ears, right through me making me feel like nothing or nobody was around, I knew they were though and I knew it was probably best if I acknowledged them but I felt so relaxed and lost in the moment that I quite frankly wasn’t bothered if anyone considered me rude or antisocial. I felt happy, genuinely happy and the existence of other people wasn’t going to get me down, not today. Not ever again.

I wasn’t the best at dealing with social situations, in fact, I was the worst. I would panic at the smallest of things for example if my mum left me at a till in the supermarket to get some milk when it was nearly our turn to pay or if I had to order food in a restaurant. My hands would clam up, I would shake my legs, my voice would keep crackling and sweat would drip from my forehead. I was indescribably pathetic so at each and every moment that I felt relaxed and happy, I had to take advantage of it and make the very most of it.

I had been an awkward person for as long as I could remember, my siblings were forever making fun of me for it but I just didn’t let it bother me. It wasn’t until high school where it got really bad, I couldn’t put my hand up in class because I feared of answering questions wrong, I refused to eat school dinners to avoid conversation with dinner ladies who are usually friendly, I was just an embarrassment, when people began to notice this, they didn’t even pause for a second, I got called so many names such as a ‘pathetic bitch’ that’s the one that stuck with me the longest and made me realise I had to change my ways. After so many people called me names and talked about me behind my back, it was difficult to make friends and I became even more awkward. I couldn’t look anyone in the eye, I couldn’t stand still if someone was talking to me, I would mumble and it made me feel like an imbecile. For a few years I just coped with it but I just remember one day as I was trying to get to sleep, I was feeling something strange, it wasn’t sadness though, it felt worse than that. I let my mind wonder about that until I eventually drifted off but I decided to ask my mum about it the next day. I remember the exact look she gave me and the exact words that left her mouth… ‘You are lonely sweetheart’ as soon as she said that, I couldn’t stop thinking and I just knew I had to get out there and make a friend. And it could have been anyone.

I remember it so clearly because it is one of the most significant days of my life, my mum had asked me to go to the supermarket for a few groceries, I was nervous but I felt a rush of determination, determination to change and to be confident.  I was walking down the road and there was a boy sat on a bench, he looked a similar age to me and straight away I could see that something was wrong with him, he had a strange look on his face, as if something bad had happened seconds ago. I panicked but my instinct was to talk to him, console him. I wiped my clammy hands down my legs and slowly approached the bench where the boy was sitting. I sat down next to him and stared at his face, remembering this moment makes me feel so embarrassed, it was like I had never seen a human before, I just stared at him, observing everything about him, I didn’t even know whether he had noticed me but still, I continued to stare.

“Can I help you?” He asked rather quietly.

I recall thinking ‘oh Christ’, I had no idea what to reply and it felt like hours that I sat there thinking about what to say but eventually the words crawled out of my mouth with an embarrassing little stutter.

“Hi, I’m Emily, you look upset”

Had I said the right thing? Did I sound like a fool? Oh my god he was going to stand up and walk away and my confidence was going to go back to zero. I just stared at him, I am laughing thinking about this, I must have looked so silly. I thought I had gone above my standards by talking to someone highly attractive when I have issues talking to any old person. But he was gorgeous, anyone would think so. I felt so stupid because he was now staring at me, no words leaving his mouth. It was an awkward situation but it didn’t feel awkward and that confused me. After a good 5 minutes he finally replied to me.

“Hi Emily, I’m Dan, and nope that’s just my face”

The way he said that made me smile, and I let out a little giggle. He smiled back at me and I could feel my cheeks turning pink, I was blushing like a little bitch. He asked me to walk with him, I completely forgot about what I was initially out for and followed him, we walked for hours but neither of us really saying a word. He led me up to a giant hill and he sat down, so I did the same. He then began to talk, he talked, and talked, and talked. I was amazed, happy, relieved all at once, only god knows what my facial expression must have been when he finished speaking. He was exactly like me, literally the male version of me and I knew in that moment that we would get along perfectly.

Dan and I met almost every day that week, and the week after that and every other week until now, in fact, he’s sat right beside me as I write this, reminiscing how we met and how perfectly we clicked is making us both smile like idiots. I had finally met someone who understood how I had felt all of those years because he had been through the same and we wanted to help each other so very badly and we knew that we could. We shared a whole summer together, going to restaurants and ordering food, it took a while but we did it, we ran errands for our parents and visited museums and art galleries and by the end of summer we felt like normal people. We hadn’t made any other friends but it didn’t feel like we needed to, we had each other and we knew if it came to a time where we had to interact with other people, there would be no problem. He really is the most amazing friend I have ever had.

I never really knew whether Dan had feelings for me, I knew I was always attracted to him but never really expected anything from it because we were friends. But one day, we decided to visit this fancy restaurant, we were going a little bit out of our comfort zone but still, we would be fine. We sat down and were having a laugh, talking about our days and as we were waiting to order our food, Dan stood up in front of a full restaurant and denied his love for me. It was such an amazing moment because it was a giant step for him to talk publicly like that and especially to admit something as big as love. I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face, it was the single most adorable thing anyone had ever done for me, ever. And ever will do. I will never forget it, it was so lovely and heartfelt and I have never felt so special. He’s cringing whilst we reminisce this but he knows it’s in my top five memories that we’ve shared.

He was perfect, my family loved him, I loved him and he had made me a better person, I was no longer a caterpillar waiting to leave its cocoon, I was a butterfly ready to explore the world and meet amazing people and so was Dan, we both applied for university and we attend the same one, we have been together almost 6 years now, time really flies when you meet the perfect person. We have an amazing group of friends who know all about us both and we’ve been told so many times how confident, loud and easy to get along with we are. You would never expect that we struggled to order food in a restaurant before we met each other.

Dan and I’s story proves that once you meet the right person, your life can change for the best and you will become a different person, everyone is so proud of me and I am proud of myself. I would never survive in the world if I was still as awkward as I was in high school, I can only tolerate certain people and when I feel happy, I really take it in because I know I truly deserve it, everyone deserves to be happy, you just have to fight for it but I promise you it is more than worth it. 

Hitchhiker

It was a rainy, gloomy winter’s night and Dave wanted to test out his new tyres on the sodden country roads, his older brother James decided to tag along as he was tired of his wife badgering him about pointless things.

As they raced down the roads, watching the puddles tidal wave over the windscreen, the two brothers embarrassingly sang their hearts out to ‘Take That – Greatest Hits’ feeling very content and enjoying the company of each other.

The rain was bouncing off the car very wildly now and the wind was howling through every infinitesimal space in the car, sounding like a ghostly creature hidden in the clouds.
“Wouldn’t like to be stuck out in this!” Said Dave followed by a nervous laugh.

Suddenly out of nowhere, like a deer in headlights stood a remarkably beautiful young girl. James yelled at Dave to stop the car, Dave panicked. The car swerved. The girl did not move a muscle. James opened the car door, the rain hitting his face quite powerfully as he shouted across the road.
“Get in love, you’re shivering like a dog after a bath!” Without even a small smile, she placed herself on the backseat of the car. Dave turned around to ask her where she wanted to go but he found himself mesmerised by her. She had the fairest hair. Wispy but wavy and it fell just below her waist. Her skin was so pale but completely flawless and looked soft as silk. But her eyes, her eyes were something else. So bright. So vivid. They shocked Dave with their splendour. After admiring her beauty for what felt like hours, Dave handed her his dry overcoat and managed to ask where she needed taking, although he could only manage to get the words out with a little stutter.

“It’s just the next road on the left.” She whispered with such a calm and soothing voice.
Once they had dropped her off and driven away, the men sat in silence before James announced that they had forgotten to take back the overcoat.
“It doesn’t matter.” Dave sighed, still mesmerised by how stunning she was but his brother begged to differ and persuaded Dave to go back for it in the morning.

The next day arrived and the weather completely contrasted with what it was like the previous night. The sun was shining and there was a mild breeze. The brothers began driving to the girls house listening to the radio, Dave parked up slowly and they both stepped out of the car in unison, an elderly woman opened the door of the house before the men could walk up the path. She was shaking a little and she looked puzzled. The men explained that they were here to collect a coat but the woman still looked baffled. Dave stepped forward and described the girl they had picked up. The elderly woman’s face began to slowly fade to a light grey colour. Both men were aware that she was trying to speak.
“She… she sounds a lot like my daughter, exactly the same in fact.”
Dave asked if they could get the coat from her but what the woman said next shocked the brothers.
“My daughter was killed, 15 years ago…”
James shook his head and tried walking back to the car but Dave grabbed his arm.
“I don’t believe you.” Dave said with a stern but worried voice.

She started to make her way across the road and signalled to the brothers to follow her. They reached a ghostly graveyard entrance and even in broad daylight it was unnerving. They walked through the rusty gate over to an old looking grave stone. There was a small photo frame laid on the grave showing a photo of a girl, it was very damaged but you could identify who it was. And it was her.

Both Dave and James stood still, speechless as their whole bodies rapidly started to get colder and colder. Thinking that nothing else could frighten them, they were soon proved wrong as neatly folded on the headstone was the overcoat that Dave had kindly handed the girl he thought was alive and well just the night before.

The Past

There is nothing stronger,
than the feelings from your past,
It may take you longer,
but you’ll forget them at last,
I know that it is sad,
to block out what happened then,
But that is what you had,
and you don’t want that again,
If you can, brave a smile,
even if it is pretend,
It will be hard for a while,
but this is not the end,
You deserve to be happy,
with somebody you love,
Although you may get snappy,
remember you’re free of,
Crying ‘til you fall asleep,
and dreading the next day,
Walking away was a leap,
so try living in today.

Unheralded Danger

Ever since the haunting night when I tragically lost Emily, nothing was the same. Weekly traditions were broken and I felt lonely at least 3 times a day. But I braved a smile as often as I could and managed to continue with my daily routine despite how difficult it was to do so.

Months had now passed but I still missed her every day. Her deep blue eyes and her adorable freckles that multiplied in the sun… I would do anything to hold her in my arms again, to kiss her rosy cheeks and I would certainly kill to tell her how much she meant to me once more. I felt myself sinking into my past with her and I was losing control so I shook myself off and headed out of the cemetery with my signature false smile spread right across my face. New York was an incredibly busy city, even at night. There were people everywhere I looked. So why did I feel so isolated and alone?

I walked down a quiet alley close to my flat but before turning left towards my home, I couldn’t help but glimpse over at the little traditional Chinese take-out with the florescent waving cat sign. Emily and I used to get dinner from here every Friday night without fail. I sighed. Was I ready to go back in there or would it leave me feeling nostalgic? I had to get a grip; it’s just a take-out. I slowly made my way over to the entrance, but I eventually made it in and was greeted politely. I remembered what I was missing out on over the past 5 months and it made me sad, the staff were all so friendly still and unlike mine, their smiles were real. It made me feel warm inside and as if I belonged here.

I picked up a menu after about 5 minutes and decided to order a Chicken Chow Mein with Singapore fried rice, they gave me a selection of fortune cookies but only Emily was into that kind of thing yet I decided to keep one and handed the rest to a shivering homeless man a couple of feet away from the take-out. I arrived back home and sat down on my sofa, about to begin my meal before remembering that Emily and I used to open our fortune cookies before eating and discuss the message. Naturally, I smiled thinking about it and opened the cookie for old time’s sake. My smile suddenly dropped along with my stomach. My hands began to shake and I felt a shiver slowly crawl down each section of my spine. I read the message over and over again in my head until eventually the words just stumbled out of my mouth: ‘Your life is in danger, say nothing to anyone. You must leave the city immediately and never return. Say nothing’

Leaving the city didn’t sound too bad, I think I deserved a holiday… Bora Bora or Fiji… I could really do with that but fantasising was the last thing I should be doing. Or am I being ridiculous? It’s a fortune cookie; messages like this are printed in all of them. I laughed it off and tucked into my meal, it was just as delicious as I remembered. All of a sudden I heard a knock on my door, I never had visitors… I opened my door and nothing was there, I looked down and noticed a note on the doormat so I picked it up and turned it over. ‘Leave’ was all it read. I felt my stomach turn a little but I ignored this note too.

As I lay in bed all I could think about were these signs, it would be so different if Emily was here, we would make a joke out of it. As stupid as it sounds, I was genuinely quite frightened. I turned over to kiss the photo of Emily and I on my bedside table but to my shock, Emily had disappeared from the photo and instead, my arm was around a black figure. My heart began to beat exceedingly fast and I felt like I was living a nightmare. I packed as many bags as I could, jumped into my car and drove until sunrise. I was heading towards California where my parents and little sister lived.

The next day arrived and I woke up to a giant black cloud surrounding my car. The weather was never like this in California. I panicked and tried to carry on driving but my engine wasn’t switching on, I tried to open the windows, they wouldn’t budge. And then I noticed something in my mirror, someone was sat in the backseat of my car, and it wasn’t just anyone, it was Emily. I turned around and felt a tear roll down my cheek as she reached her hand out. Nothing else mattered now, I was about to feel her soft skin against mine again. I reached my hand out to touch hers but as soon as our hands met, something strange happened, the giant cloud began to get tighter and tighter and Emily’s face began to turn grey until all that was left was a black shadow… I stared down at my hand which was interlocked with hers seconds ago and mine was also turning grey. I was confused, scared and anxious. I shouted for help but nobody could hear me. I had a flashback of all the spooky happenings from the previous night and I stared through the back of my car in epiphany, watching as everything around me disappeared into nothing.

Distance

In the depth of the night, I lay in my bed on my almost archaic mattress where it was possible to feel the springs physically punch you in the back for the duration of the night. I pull my faded pink floral duvet up past my neck as I try my best to feel even remotely comfortable but no matter how much I tossed and turned, I was left feeling cramped and shivering like a little lost puppy. The strong breeze that managed to seep through a tiny crack in my window each and every night was now far past frustrating and I would do anything to sleep somewhere other than my room.

There was one thing that helped me through the majority of these restless nights and that was him. I didn’t even need him beside me to feel warm and safe. Purely knowing he was mine and the fact that I would be seeing him shortly was enough to keep me going.

But when I’m lying alone in bed, holding my pillow as my  teeth are chattering away, I can’t help but wish he was holding me and talking to me about whatever would pop into his head. Sometimes his company is all I would need at ungodly hours of the day when I’m feeling lonely. It is moments like this, when there is nothing else to do but think about everything and then you suddenly understand how distressing distance is. It’s not like you can hop on a bus at 4am to go and see him even if it’s all you want at that particular time of day.

You begin to crave the moment you can finally hold him, laugh with him, watch films with him and the night seems to feel much longer and even more excruciating. But when that moment eventually arrives, the relaxation and the happiness is overwhelming and you struggle to think of anywhere you would rather be.

Reminiscing by the fire side

in January 2013, devastating wildfires hit the Australian island of Tasmania. Amongst the devastation of land and property, the papers seemed to focus on one man’s heroic rescue of his family.

Having recently been reading about Welshman Tim Holmes, a resident of Dunnalley in Tasmania who saved his wife and his 5 grandchildren during hours of thick smoke and ferocious flames, the tragic wildfire involving the Holmes family from Dunnalley in Tasmania which occurred in January of this year inspired me to write the following short story. The wildfires affected hundreds of properties across Tasmania. Whilst reading through the many articles explaining the chaotic scenes, I couldn’t help but speculate about what memories this would hold to a child many years later.

Matilda, aged 11 at the time, remembers jumping into the water, it was anything but refreshing. As it gently touched my bare arms, I felt calm and I felt like I could pretend that my siblings and I had not just experienced the most terrifying affair of our lives but there was no disguising the fact that we just had. I will never forget the terror in my grandmother’s eyes as I looked over once we were all in the water. I remember how fast my heart was beating and how the sweat dripped from my forehead into my eyes, blinding me, but being the eldest child, it was my duty, I had to protect them. I held my youngest sister so tightly as the water began to heat up. We saw tornado’s of fire coming towards us at rapid speeds and there was only about 200 to 300 millimetres of air above the water. The atmosphere was indescribably toxic. I can’t emphasise enough how petrified I was, the memories were so intense that I still feel them burning at the back of my mind yet I knew I had to remain calm to prevent the rest of my family from panicking.

I recall my grandfather calling us over as the heat was almost unbearable.
“Over here” he yelled. As he led us towards a small dinghy, we climbed in and it took my family and I further offshore. Sheltering under a jetty was the wisest idea at the time despite the fact the water was up to our chins and we were all struggling to breathe in the sweltering heat and lack of air. I glanced to my left and my grandfather held a camera up, I was confused but smiling was the first thing that I thought of when I saw a camera so I tried my very best to smile for a photo, attempting to forget the current situation we were in. It was so difficult. Looking at that photo brings back so many emotions making me feel tearful and nervous but keeping the fact that we survived in my mind has always encouraged me to strive for more as I have aged. By Matilda Walker, retired senior ecologist for the United Nations.

A Christmas Date.

I remember when I was a child, walking outside and breathing out warm air, telling my little brother that I looked like a dragon. Strolling down the cobbled streets, holding his hand, trying hard not to slip over. That memory of my childhood was so vivid, especially in the winter, we used to do that walk every day to school. I missed him. Now that I was older, I imagined it to be different but I still got the same wintery feeling I did when I was younger. The city was a lot busier now though, it always was near Christmas. It was 3 days before the 25th and I had a date tonight. I was nervous, I hadn’t properly communicated with anyone since I lost my little brother in the crash. But I think I was ready, I was lonely and this would help me, of course it would. I wandered down the streets of London, window shopping for a festive dress. I was thinking red, maybe a royal blue. I stopped outside a posh looking shop, and a dress in the window caught my eye, it was perfect and I had to try it on. I entered the shop and the atmosphere was strange, a variety of smells hit my nose. Cinnamon, mulled wine, gingerbread… I spotted a little old lady sat at the till, sewing something and humming along to Cliff Richard- Mistletoe and wine I made my way over to the dress…
“How much?” I asked
“£25 my dear” The woman replied.
I smiled and took my size off the hanger, I tried the dress on and it was perfect for the occasion, I couldn’t not purchase it. I was getting butterflies about this date. How do I act? My mother always told me to be myself but I wasn’t sure if I liked myself so why would anyone else? I left the shop and an icy breeze hit my face, I could feel my cheeks turning rosy red. I put my hat on and made my way back home, I had 2 hours to prepare myself. I practised my smile in the mirror until I felt comfortable. I looked at my wrist watch and my date was arriving in 15 minutes. The butterflies began fluttering again. I heard my doorbell ring, it couldn’t be him. He was early! I looked through the peep hole but all I could see was a red blur. I slowly opened the door and there was a gentleman holding a large bunch of roses. He gave me them with a note which read ‘See you soon beautiful. Love William.’ Wow. I was speechless, the man handed me the flowers and I admired them, the colour matched my dress exactly. I replaced them with some Lily’s which had been in my favourite vase for a few weeks and I smiled to myself, this man was definitely going to be someone special.
I powdered my nose, combed my hair and took a deep breath, my doorbell rang again. I took another deep breath and opened the door.
“Hello you.” He said in such a sweet, calm voice as he grinned. I didn’t know how to react so I giggled and said greeted him back, matching up to his friendliness. The first thing I noticed was his eyes. They were a deep hazel colour, they reminded me of the fresh bark on a growing tree, they were huge and his eyelashes were thick and long, I looked into his eyes and found myself getting lost so I shook my head and followed him out of the door. He brushed his hand against mine as we walked down the street and I took hold of it, I had never met this man before, but it felt right already.
“Thank you for the roses, they are beautiful.” I thanked him.
“You’re welcome.” He replied. We strolled down the cobbled street which reminded me so much of my little brother, I felt myself tearing up and grasped Williams hand harder, took a deep breath, looked up at him and smiled. I admired the Christmas lights, my favourite one was the dancing Santa which was above the bakery where I bought a donut for my brother every Tuesday afternoon. We entered a small Italian restaurant where we had reserved a table.
Time went by and we had shared a creamy carbonara pasta dish and a delicious black forest cheesecake and chatted the whole time, he had so many stories to share and so did I. He was such an interesting person and I didn’t feel bored at any moment. Why had we clicked so well? I asked myself. We were very similar and that helped us get along a lot. But I started asking myself whether he was feeling the same or whether I was being a hopeless romantic, what if I had started interacting with others too quickly after my brother’s death? I felt it was helping me though, I had to stop overthinking and panicking, he wouldn’t have sent me flowers or let me hold his hand if he wasn’t interested. We walked outside and the temperature had definitely dropped from before. I looked at him and he had rosy cheeks like me, He looked at me and smiled. I suddenly felt a lot warmer, his smile was enough to make any girl feel like a princess. We took a stroll by the Thames and he suggested we visit the German Market. It was very romantic and Christmassy, I wanted to spend as much time with him as possible in the space of this night. But it started to get late and I was feeling sleepy, he noticed it, I thought that was so lovely. He walked me home, still holding my hand. He stopped and put his hands in his pockets. Had I done something wrong? I worried, but he brought his gloves out of his pocket and gave them to me. I was really falling for this man. He reminded me of someone but I really couldn’t put a finger on who it was. He continued walking back to my apartment, the temperature constantly dropping. My thoughts were invaded with things such as ‘will he kiss me?’ ‘should I kiss him?’ ‘will I see him again?’ but I tried not to panic.
We reached my front door and the moment had arrived. He held both of my hands and looked deep into my eyes. There were the butterflies again.
“I’ve really enjoyed spending time with you, I’d love to see you again.” Inside, I was screaming and dancing and all things crazy you can possibly think of but on the outside, I remained calm and collected.
“Me too William.” I kept it cool and I was proud of myself despite the fact I was actually going crazy due to my excitement. He began to lean in. Oh my. What do I do? He is going to kiss me. I was panicking. But I wanted to kiss him, I really wanted to kiss him. But my mind started overloading and all I could think about was who this man reminded me of. His lips were nearly touching mine and then it came to me. It was my little brother. He reminded me of my little brother who was tragically killed in a car crash 2 months ago. He paused and caught my eye, I felt myself welling up again.
“I’m sorry.” I said, and entered my house.